Friday, 1 May 2020

Twenty Twenty!


Confinement is bad enough, now Ramadindong has come too!! That's a lot to take on, I wonder how the challenged in the field of multitasking are doing! Like someone once said to me, how can women be so good at multitasking if they cant have sex and a headache I
At the same time! I know am struggling.

Trying to find ways to occupy myself whilst pretending also to work from home, send a couple of emails a day to show "face" and gossip with colleagues over whose gonna get chopped! Last one in, first one out it seems. Also confinement seems to bring out the worst in people, all my colleagues seem to have transformed into knobheads! Gawd I hate 2020! It's funny because twenty twenty usually means good things, like great vision and such!

What else can I do to occupy my time, I mean no amount of quarantine will make me desperate enough to organise my knicker drawer or any other drawer for that matter, so maybe I'll just eat. Yes as a matter of fact. I shall do just that. 

Eat my way through this...

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

Confinement diary - Day Fuck knows!


It's gotten so weird out, people snitching on each other to become "good citizens", a dictator sprung up in Hungary, Trump...well continues being Trump, at least he's consistent I guess. It's like the prelude to some far fetched dystopian plot or one of those nightmares that every time you wake up from, you go right back into it once you fall asleep again!

The other day there was a couple walking behind me and they just started to speed up so I started to speed up, you know to maintain the 2m distance...it got ridiculous, we ended up having a chase.

I miss normal life, I miss laughing out loud throwing my head back hysterically, I miss spitting out my drink in laughter, I miss talking about other things besides the contents of a supermarket shelf and the daily statistic on the number of dead. I miss getting dressed up and going out on a date! Simple pleasures of life, I miss life.

What the fuck is going on! Bring back life!

Thursday, 16 April 2020

Confinement Diary - Day X


I want to be somewhere on a warm sunny sandy beach, not too far away...somewhere close. It seems the comfort of home is too easy to get used to and so difficult to break from, I don't feel ready to part yet, I've grown used to my routine, much like inmates...refusing to leave prison at the end of a long sentence served.

We are all inmates, settling into our routines and learning to live in confined spaces and reduced freedoms, I wonder what will become of us all. Will we even go back to the office, will we ever regain our freedom and liberties, will there be long queues at restaurant bathrooms for punters to wash their hands, will there be international travel again? so many questions...

I wish I had George Orwell's foresight or Margaret Atwood's imagination, at least I could capitalise on this mayhem and produce a dystopian plot worthy of our crazy times! So frustrating!

I am a frustrated writer I've come to realise and my imagination refuses to play ball! What a pity...
Oh well back to Netflix.

Stay safe...Stay sane!

Wednesday, 15 April 2020

Confinement Diary - Day £$@£$$$%%%

That's like me...but sans ring! 

Was very much amused to read about the man arrested last week carrying about 60K worth of cocaine, he told the police he's a key worker....a sort of side-road pharmacist if you will.

I wish I was a key worker, I was deemed too weak to be a key worker, on account of my case of cancer! This cancer keeps getting in the way of my dreams.

So instead, I spend my days in front of a laptop pretending to work by responding YES and Kind regards, to 3 out of 70 emails a days.

I get changed every morning, I put on yoga leggings until about midnight then my pyjamas until noon the next day. I genuinely aim to brush my teeth as early as possible otherwise they're done for...

My hair gets brushed basically when I wash it, and if you know anything about women's hair, you know the frequency I mean here.

Think I can also feel my hymen growing back...which is very unsettling news indeed, I ain't going through that shit again! But to be fair, seeing as I am going to come out of this looking like a cave woman, I think we're all safe here.

Hoping to bring you glad tidings next time....until then, Stay safe!


Wednesday, 8 April 2020

Confinement Diary - Day 14

Paradox!

So I reach my own 14 day confinement and show no symptoms...I wonder if I am in the clear or if I am a carrier...silent or with delayed onset...I feel like Shrodinger's cat...I both have and have not got the virus...

I am both bored and busy,
I am both scared and carefree,
I am both a critical worker (yes Finance) and useless,
I am both hating and loving confinement,
I both go out and stay in...depending on who asks!
I am both confined alone and not confined alone....depending on who can see in!

What are you?

Stay safe...

Monday, 6 April 2020

Confinement diary - Day 13



I am slightly surprised when I see adverts from fashion shops, summer dresses and sandals...I want to believe we will be back to those times, when we could buy summer sandals and hats and know we can soon get to wear them on a nice little getaway or a far away holiday...

I so want to buy summer sandals, shift dresses and play suits...project myself into a near shallow fun future I long for...sunshine warms my skin and soft velvet breeze cools me down, my body is light with happiness and aches with passion for everything around me, I long to reacquaint myself with everything again that is not the inside of a supermarket, this every thing that was normal before, that was so mundane and anodine that we forgot it was there like glass...until it shatters!

But all we can buy with certainty of use for now, is food and toilet paper...because we are at a survival crossroads and any ideas of getaways seems nothing short of frivolous, yet it is somehow essential, as it is hope.

Stay Safe ...sunbathing can wait!

Thursday, 2 April 2020

Confinement diary - Day 10


I noticed some social norms are beginning to shift, ever so slightly...though sometimes very noticeably, like your nosey neighbours becoming blatantly curious about who is visiting you and why...because of course they are concerned with contagion.

It was a sex video chat...nobody visited me Kate! hold off on calling the police just yet.

Outside, it feels like everybody is watching everybody else, why are you out? why are you holding hands do you actually live together? but you see I am from Algeria, that's the baseline mindset over there...so I can handle it...Sanctimonious Kate will struggle though!

I imagine her listening in, putting her ears to the wall to try to catch a sound bite from my exciting confined life and all the fun I am having on those video chats!

Paranoia has taken hold, not sure if I am imagining things or they are all conspiring against me (Kate definitely is), she is a midwife on maternity leave, naturally she feels she has to contribute somehow, so she dispenses advice and unwelcome comments such as "THANK YOU!!" when I tell her I finally started working from home. Meow!!!

Stay safe ....and out of my business!


Wednesday, 1 April 2020

Confinement Diary - Day 9 (retrospective)


Mourning!

The earth is said to be breathing a sigh of relief as reports of signs the ozone layer may be healing, of the air purifying, of dolphins returning to the Venice canals, to nature enjoying a break from the human bulldozer machine, of endangered species getting a fighting chance...these come as blessings we are willing to accept in exchange for the misery and horror that has descended upon mankind...

As man set out to mark his passage on this earth, documented his achievements and experiences on cave walls, on papyrus then on canvas...did he do so because he was eternal? No, he did it because he was ephemeral and fragile, symbiotic of his environment and other living beings he sought to hunt, eat, destroy or understand, save and protect.

We are full of contradictions and paradoxes, we pillage and rape this planet, explore its deepest confines and dig out it's most dangerous organisms with no regard for boundaries nor respect for other beings, flora or fauna, and no regard or perhaps an over estimation of our abilities to deal with the consequences.

I always want to believe we will learn from our mistakes and leave something for future generations, a planet that is liveable perhaps, but as history keeps on repeating itself and seeing how we don't seem to have learnt anything from our past, just an example; the Spanish flu pandemic which in 1918 took between 30 and 50 million souls, my heart sinks a little and think we may not outlast this planet or this virus!

It is said that of all hominid species, Homo Erectus was the most successful in longevity, only one to survive over a million years, Homo Sapiens, I fear will not reach half that before we succumb to a self brought extinction.

What does give me hope, is the love, compassion and support humans seem to portray in times of crises, they are brought together by fear, love and self preservation and I want to believe that humanity will be saved after all... 

But perhaps all out combined efforts and good intentions are not enough, when war mongers are presently plotting yet another war amidst the chaos and suffering.

Stay safe out there (or in there..if you're in confinement) 

Friday, 27 March 2020

Confinement Diary - Day 6


36 degrees? Dude is not even sick!!

Because I went out yesterday (to work), it doesn't count as a confinement day and so I am allowed to remain on diary day 6 (instead of day 7). See the logic?

Today I stayed in, sat in the garden and contemplated nature, met a lovely little spider, I think his name is Sanjay, he's a web designer. we exchanged pleasantries, though I had none to offer, much like this blog now really...

Boris is said to have tested positive...Our thoughts and prayers are with the Corona virus in this difficult time.

Come ooooon Trump!!




Wednesday, 25 March 2020

Confinement Diary - Day 5


Love in the time of Corona (Extra)

Confinement day 5 (skipped over day 4, bad luck), day 3 since a DFS sales advert was last spotted.

To those fuckers who keep posting photos of them with their partners, captioned Love in the time of Corona, I say share responsibly as I cannot guarantee the degree of sluttiness at the end of this ordeal and made especially difficult by your misguided PDAs.

Also, the UK is not really on lockdown, I just went for a bike ride with my neighbour (he's gay though, so useless to me), stopped and grabbed a coffee on the way back. If you leave your boyfriends out...just saying!!

It just dawned on me that it's spring!! No wonder ...

Monday, 23 March 2020

Confinement Diary - Day 3



The whole world seems to be in total lockdown or self isolation except for the Brits, who all broke out their shorts and SPF50s, parks are busier than ever before now the sunshine decided to show its conspirator face. It seems the concept of dying is not scary enough here, perhaps they still believe in the goodness of the Viral community in that viruses will keep their word and never break the 3 seconds rule!
Side note I just saw a man in a bathrobe just casually strolling outside...Love it!
I fear humanity is in danger of social collapse (bathrobe exhibit A) and ultimately extinction (nothing in between those 2), but the highest danger I fear is the rapidly multiplying millennial podcasts! We must put a stop to this for gods sake!! What is the scientific community doing!!!

Help us QI'tu'!!!

Sunday, 22 March 2020

Confinement Diary - Day 2


The weather has decided to be clement (in London, I don't care about the rest of yous), so I sit in my garden, soaking in the sunshine, try as best I can to ignore the screaming kids next door and their scolding dads, thinking they must both be missing their mistresses!

I ponder the current situation and how much I miss Brexit, the uncertainty and agony of it, ah good times! Remember when Boris was a completely useless twat bag?

I think about how we will all come out of this as a species, as a culture, maybe it's the end of Capitalism all together, maybe it's the beginning of virtual life or end of civilisations, perhaps even the end of the DFS sales, we probably deserve this, let it be the end of humanity, give it all back to the amoeba I say!

Confinement Diary - Day 1



Down to 2332 toilet rolls, it's been 22 hours since I last visited a gym, 1 kilo up in weight, barely made it through 3 pages of a book, went through half my snack stock.

And started feeding my cat sauce based food, in an attempt to marinate him from the inside, should I have to eat him, if I am down to only Brussels sprouts.

Wednesday, 26 February 2020

Laughter cures all ails?



I am hereby advocating self-fondling, self-exploration as it proved useful to me when one night when I was having a whale of time with myself, I found a lump in my beautiful, gravity defying left breast, and which later turned out to be cancer.

Don’t panic I said to myself, I promptly had it removed and followed it up with a month of radiation and a trip to Chernobyl as a top-up! you know, better be safe than sorry.
I tell you that place is still highly contaminated but it was a fun trip! Here’s a picture!

 

Contamination at Chernobyl power plant, Ukraine
The good news is that my doctor said that radiotherapy will effectively freeze my boob in time as it were, my left boob will forever be young and upright when I am in my 70s and my other boob is in my sock. Win some, lose some!

To start the radiation, they give you some tattoos (just dots, barely visible to non-boyfriends) and they ask you to not lose weight or maintain your weight so that the beams are targeted and accurate, obviously for me, all I heard was don’t lose weight and I ate like I was dying in three months!

So when later on I didn't die, I was like...fuck!
I may well be the only cancer patient who put on weight during treatment. Is there like a trophy for that?

 


It was an ordeal yes but I think it was less traumatising than some of the things people said or did to me over the years, as I sat there contemplating my life and my limited possibilities, I realised I was far more equipped to deal with cancer than with people in general. At least Cancer doesn’t talk back!

 

Anywho! Now I am fine and in remission for the next five years, waiting to see if Corona doesn’t take me instead.

 

Thug life!

 

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