Thursday 24 June 2021

The MOT dilemma!

So with lockdown now lifted (a while ago now, but these things take a while you know!), I busied myself about getting my MOT sorted, you know...general sheering waxing of eyebrows, beard, legs, beaver...what have you! The haircut, was surprisingly the most painful, perhaps made worse by the hairdresser's constant moaning, she seemed to be very offended by the state of my hair and I was too terrified to say anything, with scissors in hand, she was clearly in the position of power.

The facial was another memorable episode, constant reminders of how dry my skin was and how I should use this and that cream, which of course only that particular salon carried!

The pedicure pushed me and the pedicurist over the edge. My claws had grown their own claws and you could have easily repurposed my feet as sandpaper! that would have been less painful than the abuse I took from that pedicurist shouting shit in Vietnamese which from her voice intonations I could tell it was definitely something nice and not at all about my bunions! though there is probably no Vietnamese word for Hobbit and I definitely think she muttered Hobbit under her breath! 

After a few days of abuse and mistreatments, I started to feel and look like myself again, which is to say the result of when a Neanderthal fucks a goat.

The lowest blow however, came from my Judas of a phone, with the facial recognition thingy that wouldn’t recognise me. It was like ‘Where’s the hag who usually opens the phone? Call the police! I mean I often feel insulted by my own phone, but that was legendary!

This whole 'trauma' made me question if we only take care of ourselves when there are people around to whiteness it, like the proverbial tree in the forest, if you are beautiful and there is no one to whiteness it, are you still beautiful?  The answer is YES! even if you are a result of a misguided alliance between a goat and a Neanderthal.

Taking care of oneself for oneself, not for going to work, not to receive compliments from colleagues, friends and strangers is a clear sign of self love. You begin to understand, that if you let myself go, it feels like punishment, a form of self-sabotage and a reason to start binge eating, self-hate speech and self blame, all the cultivated ingredients to allow yourself to sombre into a downward spiral of depression, weight gain, self doubt and all that shit., where the lockdowns as the theatre to play out all these dramas

Perhaps it's a solidarity act with the rest of the world under lockdown, perhaps it was something that needed to come out and materialise, much like my greys which are now all out in the open.

Either way, put down that muffin and stub out that cigarette! Because life is resuming somewhat and accountability is back, for your looks, weight and humour and for your life.

I leave you (and me) with a question - are we that co-dependant?

Wednesday 21 April 2021

Isolation Media

Since when has it become socially acceptable to respond to someone's message with a like, a mere double tab and that's it, the end of the conversation, an unceremonious "like".

As I was going through the list of friends I have to call for a proper catch-up, I realised it wasn't always like this and no, it's not because of the lockdowns, but I fear the main cultprit is social media.

For as much as it steals away precious hours as we mind-numbingly scroll through reels and esthetyically over-touched-up pictures, it also buys us time...time to call a friend, to have a proper VOICE conversation, where you actually hear your friends' laughter and feel.that sense of famliarity as you recognise it, half expect it even but instead we're reduced to merely recognising their favourite laugh acronym. Mine is Lolz. Can't remember my bestie's...

So every time you double tab on your mate's picture, It extends the length of time before you two have to REALLY catch up, then you don't...until your friend posts a picture of her, pregnant! And you double tab and post a "shocked" emoji and that's it! You may go as far as comment 'OMG congrats, must catch up ASAP ' to which she'll reply 'defo'. 4 months later, no one called the other, you wonder if the baby wad born yet! Oh well you can just check out her Instagram for an update, no one can be bothered to message or's not important. What is important is the number of likes and comments...Well you did contribute with a like to her post, she's up to 200! She's popular!

Wonder if you're still friends! OMG it's high school all over again! We're already socially distant, social media adds an extra layer and we find ourselves isolated more than ever before.

Pull your finger out and use the same nunber of taps to press "call" instead of "like". I miss my friends, miss hanging out, eating out in some little place one of us has discovered and wanted us to explore, laughing out loud like hyenas and actually recognise that crazy laugh! me YA!

Monday 29 March 2021

At least you still have a job!

So I started a phased return to the office and the first thing that hit me was how relieved I was, how guilt free I felt, how I was possible for me to go pee and not worry to miss and email or a phone call, how it was acceptable to go forage for food at lunchtime without the constant fear of missing one of the multitude of meetings that seem to appear at all times of the day! 

Now they know you work from home, meetings just keep on coming, 8am, 8pm, whatever time that matter, you're under #lockdown, what else are you going to do? 

On a typical day at the office, I go grab coffee a couple of times, I have multiple visits from colleagues, I pop by people's desk, exchange plaisanteries and gossip! Take an actual lunch break, hit the errands...miss staying at home, miss my bed, my cat, Netflix...think about all the things I could be doing if I were at home!! Like paint a wall or bake some oatmeal cake, a recipe  from some instagrammer who had a vey American voice and spoke  so fast...I was transfixed by how utterly pointless yet satisfying it was! 

I digress, so the office is empty so the ladies bathroom is clean, Maria the cleaning lady must be happy I ask her, "yes, but you're here!, she replies.

My original point was really about the balance of work and how a 4 day week would just solve all/ most of our issues if only #goldmansachs would stop being such a slave driver and people stopped being so flocky-material..

Next week I vouch to do the minimum required, work on my vitamin D intake, bake non-oaty stuff and read my bloody book, still stuck on chapter 10 and it's strangely topical, I am reading #1984 !

Tuesday 28 July 2020


As you know I wonder about a lot of things, how alcohol is made, what are clouds made of and if I can eat them…things like that!

Lately though, I have been wondering how many people who are seemingly now experts on virology and epidemiology were also experts on European law and world economics during Brexit, and how Algerians have nothing to envy to the Brits in that, they are experts on EVERYTHING.

I was also thinking about how the UK's "sorry" count, already high by international standards, would have sky rocketed, now that we are compelled to apologise to anyone within a 2 meter radius, or a 1 meter radius, depending on your reading of the government recommendations.

When I am not busy wondering about pointless things or eating, I try to find small pleasures in bird singing now, in the howling of the rabid foxes as they mate outside my window, in the slimy motorway left on my walls when a slug gets through an open window and gets lost on a big white wall, trying to find its way to the suspended plant...took me a while to figure out the slime! I wonder if I too have the IQ or a garden pest!

Though life, when you stop to look, is so full of beauty and little bundles of happiness, we just grew too used to! We learnt to ignore them, or it's the hypornomilisation of everything around us!
We must stop and take notice & be grateful for the sight of a yellow lady bird on a mint leaf or a flower growing in cement or the fact that ordinary Americans cannot locate your country on a map!

You know small thanks to be given!

Stay safe and don’t be a dick!

Friday 1 May 2020

Twenty Twenty!

Confinement is bad enough, now Ramadindong has come too!! That's a lot to take on, I wonder how the challenged in the field of multitasking are doing! Like someone once said to me, how can women be so good at multitasking if they cant have sex and a headache I
At the same time! I know am struggling.

Trying to find ways to occupy myself whilst pretending also to work from home, send a couple of emails a day to show "face" and gossip with colleagues over whose gonna get chopped! Last one in, first one out it seems. Also confinement seems to bring out the worst in people, all my colleagues seem to have transformed into knobheads! Gawd I hate 2020! It's funny because twenty twenty usually means good things, like great vision and such!

What else can I do to occupy my time, I mean no amount of quarantine will make me desperate enough to organise my knicker drawer or any other drawer for that matter, so maybe I'll just eat. Yes as a matter of fact. I shall do just that. 

Eat my way through this...

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