Thursday 29 November 2012

Keep calm and remain single

A few girls at work have discovered the latest testament entitled “why men love bitches” , a book that explains why men are more attracted to the bitch (referred to as the dream girl) rather than to the nice girl.

Of course all the girls at work are very nice and kind girls, which mean they are all single.

I read the book (wish I hadn’t), looked around and did my usual research on the topic because as you know I don’t know anything, and found many many lists, blogs and sites listing the rules of dating for men and for women, do this, don’t do that, mind that, don’t say this; it’s exhausting how many things we have to watch, mind, do and not do or do in moderation or in secret etc…
What I came to realise in fact is that the rules of dating are usually universal as they typically and conventionally concern men and women (as opposed to same sex dating).

I found the book very relevant to me but wondered if it would make sense to other Algerian girls out there, when it comes to the affairs of the heart and dating which we discussed ad nauseam, do the rules of dating really apply to all?
So I thought what best than to compile a list of dating rules or the Dos and Donts if you‘re an Alien a man, but before I bestow the list upon you, let’s talk…shall we?
We need to draw up a Dating policy, whereby we explain that the successful girl, the catch, the stunning girl, the powerful girl, the dream girl...well she’s just a girl; she’s not a diva, primadonna, high maintenance, a bitch, on a husband hunt or whatever you think she is. All she is after is to be treated with respect and dignity and not be subjected to mind games and deluded theories of grandeur.
Ok we know you are a bit dim when it comes to relationships, you haven’t got a clue what you want or what to do, so dear kind and slightly ticked off Dz-Chick has a few pointers for you, so pay attention
  1. Well first of all, I suggest you check the girl hasn’t got any colossal brothers who can come and break you in half before starting to mess her about
  2. Do not approach if you have no intention to stick around
  3. If you ask her out on a date, make sure it’s clear, don’t be ambiguous and misleading, calling it coffee, catch-up or whatever other poor excuse you found
  4. Be specific about time, date and place, being assertive won’t kill you
  5. Do not play mind games and apply silly dating rules like calling after 3 days, texting an hour later, have some back bone man!
  6. If it doesn’t fit, be blunt and just say it, she won’t die from it but you better not boomerang. And NO you may not break up with her by text, a facebook message or a voicemail. Have some guts na3dine!
  7. If your intentions are more “physically” inclined, then we know you’re going to lie through your teeth and paint a nice picture for her, just don’t over do it you mythomane!
  8. Do not take her kindness for desperation
  9. Do not think yourself irresistible, you’re probably not.
  10. Do not punch above your weight, then when the girl settles because she’s actually nice and unmaterialistic, you suddenly feel superior and proud
  11. Counselling is free and available on the NHS and commitment-phobia is a serious condition
  12. Do not give her mixed messages, try to be clear on your intentions from the off, she’ll respect you for it and it just avoids a lot of agro
  13. If you have been Two-timing, then know that you are scum
  14. She isn’t your booty-call, not without her permission that is
  15. Grow a pair and tell her you like her
  16. Just grow up or act your age (vague I know…reminds me of someone)
  17. Grow a pair…oh I already mentioned that! Well grow a bigger pair then!
  18. Don’t lie, women are very intuitive and can smell it a mile away, and your Pinocchio nose is invisible to all but to us.
  19. You should read about me it’ll come in handy
  20. Paying for dinner and opening doors aren’t reserved for Gentlemen, they’re reserved for people with manners
  21. Don’t be an emotional terrorist and don’t play with her emotions
  22. Just because you’re a loser and she likes you, doesn’t make her desperate.  Nice maybe but not desperate
  23. Women are not that complicated, ok that’s a lie, they’re a puzzle (like a puzzle of Chubaka, very hard to solve), but you’re simple enough for the pair of you, so try to see things simply and quit acting like a penis.

  1. Also just for good measure, try not to act like a dick
  2. It’s really ok to be slightly less good in bed than Casanova, but a basic of female anatomy is really a minimum
  3. Don’t play hard to get, that’s the women’s job
  4. If you are homosexual, don’t use her as your cover story
  5. Don’t fake a terminal brain condition, she will not stay with you for sympathy you psycho
  6. Do not flirt with her friends, it is callous and morally repugnant
  7. Since men can only count to 30 I will stop here.
Here we were thinking men rule the world (what was I thinking?), turns out, we just give them too much credit; men are really pathetic, weak creatures who don’t have the faintest idea how to deal with their emotions or feelings. They are emotionally retarded, they get freaked out when they like a girl and run a mile. They get freaked out because a girl is assertive or remotely attractive and interesting and just to confuse us further, will ask you out over and over again, hold your hand, then pull a Houdini on you.
Let’s face it ladies, the pool of choice out there is poor, and the little choice you do have is busy chasing their own tales or playing David Coperfield.

Do you really want to play in the minefields of mind games and strategies, timed and measured communication? You call this fun? Wouldn’t you rather stay and die an honourable spinster? Just a thought.
And to come back to my initial question, yes it seems the rules of dating do apply to Algerians because being an asshole doesn’t have a nationality. The END.
Dz-Chick….has a bigger pair than you!

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