Tuesday 29 May 2012

Bad news pour la démographie

L’été et le printemps se mélangent ici en Angleterre, l’hiver les rejoint souvent, vous comprenez on se sent en chaleur couveuse (c'est sexiste le Fracais) toute l’année ici. On n'a qu'une envie, c'est de faire des bébés et si cette envie de faire une marmaille ne nous a pas déjà emparée, ben on est tu es foutu ma vielle, par ce qu’après faudra expliquer a chaque conard qui se pointe pourquoi t'es pas mariée et t’as pas de progéniture!

Louisa, elle, a eu des jumeaux, après quelques années de traitement ovaro-spermien ou comme les intellos l’appellent IVF... ah non ca c’est anglais….oui ben vous avez compris!

A l’entrée de l’hôpital, l’odeur de la Temina est enivrante, un Algérien été la…
Louisa qui avait comme sujet favori; sexe a haute dose et dialogue crus, me reçoit maintenant avec un monologue qui risque d’être plus proche d'Hélène et les garçons, discours Pampers et gros tétons! On a l’impression que pour chaque accouchement, la lobotomie est gratuite.
Et parlant de téton, ca coule ma belle!

Alors Louisa commence à me raconter ces exploits cauchemardesques sur la table d’accouchement, quand l’un des petits ne voulait pas sortir, elle criait « Enfumez le comme un renard je vous dis » . Elle parle pendant un siècle et 30 minutes, y a pas de mot, me dit-elle pour décrire la sensation qu’est de donner la vie! Dommage qu’elle en a trouvé assez pour moi, avant qu’enfin elle a pu comater.

Après on te demande pourquoi tu ne veux pas d’enfants! Le seul récit m'en a traumatisé et malheursement pour la démographie, je dis hmmm probably not!

Dans les parcs Londoniens, le ratio de 5 poussettes à 2 adultes fait peur, des célibataires eternels vont et reviennent entre le « aw c’est mignon » et « elles me soulent ces mamans, qui se croient être les seules au monde à avoir des bébés», y a aussi les néo-parents qui, enfants tripaient à jouer à la poupée, habillent leurs mômes en Burburry et leurs mettent des boucles d’oreilles a 2 semaines.

Ce qui me fait peur le plus c’est que moi aussi je regarde dans les poussettes qui passent! Merde…voila mes ambitions d’antinataliste envolées, moi qui se dis la vie est plus belle quand on peut rendre les enfants a la cigogne.

Les réponses à la question ont étés nombreuses: «au fait je ne peux pas en avoir :( », «euuh j’ai pas encore trouvé le papa» ou des fois on monte l’assaut pour qu’on nous foute la paix, pour que nos choix aient l’air réels, fermes et parfois monstrueux, on blasphème on disant qu’on n’aime pas les enfants, par ce que c’est a la mode de dire ca, je veux vivre ma vie gaga-free et ne pas triper sur les jouets et petites personnes qui me grugent ma vie sexuelle.

Les règles de civisme sont aussitôt dérogés et on nous répond que ca ne saurait tarder et que quand il s’agit de notre bébé tout est différent, que tout est dans nos têtes… « oui oui vous devez me connaitre mieux que moi», c’est vrais qu’étant issue d’une société pro-bébés, toutes les femmes rêvent d’être mamans, «ce soir j’arrête la pilule commence a chercher un candidat pour mon future-bébé»

Tout ca pourrait être vu comme redorer le blason des non-mères volontaires, mais en vérité c’est tout simplement un choix personnel, il n y a pas d’obligation à utiliser nos utérus, le credo dans notre société est simple, tu te mets en couple, te marie, tu fais des mômes. On à tous plus ou moins été conditionnés pour ça, et pour certains il est hors de question de déroger aux normes et pressions familiales, mai moi je dis: les enfants? Je les aime suffisamment pour ne pas en vouloir.

On arrive donc au turning point: Mon papa a été malade récemment, on était tous (famille nombreuse) la autour de lui a son réveil, on a travaillé ensemble comme une équipe soudée contre la bureaucratie, le surpeuplement des hôpitaux Algériens, les tarifs outranciers et médicine meurtrière des cliniques privées d’Alger pour le sauver.

Réflexions faites – c’est peut-être mon coté Algérien qui refait surface, mais si je n’ai pas de marmaille, je n’aurais jamais ce que mon père a; 5 enfants autour de lui tels des piliers de fer qui lui on sauvé la vie, leurs présence seule suffisait à lui donner raison de vivre, c’est le truc qui attire le plus dans une femme ca non? Un désir de faire des mômes pour ne pas mourir seule?

La démographie sera peut-être finalement sauvée! Ceci-dit, ca reste de la pure spéculation et les effets de ma lobotomie se dissiperont bien avant avoir trouvé un mec.

Dz-Chick…le français c’est sympa mais l’anglais c’est plus cool!

Saturday 26 May 2012

You love to hate me!

Upon another day in London;

Weather uncharacteristically nice which is scary, my Algerian mentality makes me fear what comes next, because in Algeria you never get anything for nothing, if it gets hot, everybody braces themselves for the earthquakes, and if the government does something good for the people, they’re up to something and usually, it’s not good. In London, when it gets hot, you'll get to see a lot of cellulite and giblets and wish it had rained instead.

But I don’t mind so much now, since my hands are full with dire finances, an inexistent love-life and a totally uninspiring job. Was whingeing about this to my friend who said there are three things he hates the most: His cousin Othman, Al khorchaf (some kind of veg) and Friday afternoons.

I warned him my “hate” list would be much more extensive, but he insisted, he wanted to know; you didn’t, but you’re here now, so you might as well know about it and making lists is good for you (they I say)!


1- I hate a job where the glass ceiling is just another thing for women to clean.
2- I hate that I haven’t had a boyfriend in what seems like forever, seriously what gives! Might even change my blog title to just “a girl in London”
3- I hate people who point at their wrists when they’re asking for the time! I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours!
4- The combination of these 2 words “chocker block”, hate it with passion!
5- Sanctimonious people who say things like: “don’t hate, hate is a waste of emotion”
6- When you are pouring your eyeballs out and someone asks you “are you all right?” well obviously I am all right, these are tears of joy you dimwit!
7- People who start their sentences with “promise me something” I ain’t promising nothing mate!
8- The fact I feel the need to say sorry about a hundred times day, especially when 90% of the time, it’s not even my fault.
9- People who snitch! nothing worse than a snitch
9 - Angry people who make hate lists.
10 - And while we’re at it – I despise the weather because I am stuck indoors…

Ok time out people – I was just told off by a couple of friends for writing a hate list when it’s such a beautiful day out and they’re all happy and mushy inside (from too much heat undoubtedly), I tried explaining how hate lists are funnier but I am being made to write about love!


Hmmmmm….Love!! hmmmmm

I love my blog?
I love my daddy? Ooh oh I love Ice-cream?

Screw it, writing about love is for sissies and first time novelists. I leave thee with my hate list. As for you other haters, don’t hate me take the main point and move on...until the next post!


Dz-Chick…foul mood is back on. Rejoice!

Tuesday 15 May 2012

If I were the queen of everything!



I have fond memories of my childhood, when my sister pulled at the fine hair just above my ear where it hurts the most and made me confess: You are the queen of everything, then as soon as she released me, I’d run away and instead of cry I would just laugh because we were already smuggling peanuts and stuffing our bras and we were clearly too old to play that game.

Now that I am older, that my breasts are real, and my issues are surreal, sometimes I sit and think if I were the queen of everything…

1- I would fine anyone donning more than one Burberry item, except if it’s a baseball cap – then they get shot.
2- I would be fluent in Politics
3- I would ban double denim combos
4- I would design the police outfits myself and make the men wear breast metal plates
5- There will be a weight limit with a 10% margin; a FAT tax will be imposed beyond that.
6- I will have my own castle on the clouds above
7- I will kill all whingers, moaners (so that rules me out then…)
8- I would cancel periods
9- A version of the Matrix will be offered to people who can't face reality and prefer to be plugged into a fantasy life.
10- I would cancel Mondays
11- Ban reality TV – FOR EVER
12- Make male circumcision mandatory
13- Telemarketers, recruitment agents, Estate agents etc …will be put on a boat and sent off to the wastelands of Glasgow.
14- Create a force-field around platforms to stop people from jumping under trains and disrupting our lives, in fact ban trains and everybody can fly to work
15- There would be no cleaning
16- I would ban dentistry, there will be a pill...Still working that one out!
17- I would make everyone read my book
18- A chocolate brownie with hazelnut ice-cream would be a healthy snack
19- Women wake up looking gorgeous
20- There will be a Ratio of 3 HOT men to 1 woman
21- Ban clocks, time is relative, I want my reign to be a causal casual world
22- I would ban questions like: where are you from? Followed by where is your niqab?
23- I would have Einstein and Sacajawea regularly over to dinner.
24- I would ban Saudi men from driving and they’ll have to wear dresses – Oh that’s right, they do already!
25- There’ll be no hangovers – haven’t worked this out, by I’ll have my scientists find a way to remove side-effects from Alcohol consumption
26- No celebrities allowed, if anyone starts to get famous, he/she will be shipped off to Glasgow
27- Ban bingo games
28- I would appoint my king consort by measurement criteria
29- If my King were to try anything funny, it’ll be off with his head
30- I wouldn’t have to say: you’re the queen of everything to my sister
31- There would be no sisters

In fact, if I were the queen of everything I would be so bored, because I’d have everything, I prefer a world where I am not queen, where men are elusive, where everything is a fucking struggle and whingeing is tolerated. This game was much more fun before-breats, post breats is just tragic! I hope you like my drawing.

Dz-chick…in a kingdom world of her own!

Wednesday 2 May 2012

It all adds up!


There is always an upside to all the dreadful events that happen to you in life; like loosing a job so you can land a better one, getting dumped, so you can depress, loose the weight and gain more confidence (I know: I am shallow) or in my friend Lyna’s case put on the weight (reasoning behind this: somebody has to eat the Ben&Jerry’s), cry about your luck and play victims, loosing a grip is the only one I haven’t found the positive reasoning behind. The search continues…

This is how sayings like “things happen for a reason” and such came to exist.

When things aren’t going your way, like debts AND weight piling up (not me – I am a model I am), country in political perdition, when work is sucking out 10 hours a day of your life, you’re certain of never getting back and dreadful existential questions popping into your head like: “What am I supposed to be doing with my life and what is going to happen to me followed by other nonsensical questions like how it is hanging and who let the dogs out!”.

Right now and after a long, blissful and anxiety-free period, the anticipated wave of gloom strikes! Hurrah I was getting worried my writing Mojo would be gone forever, my evil friend whom I shan’t name, warned me that writers thrived on their tormented souls and that I was far too positive, it was getting worrying.

The upside to this wave of unexplainable (hormones, pre-mature mid-life crisis, low funds, poor faith; to name a few probable sources) is my writing MoJo is back and Safia should be on her way again in no time.

Before we conclude; here’s another nonsensical question for you: Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
Dz-Chick…so who really let the dogs out?

Most popular ramblings!