Tuesday 15 May 2012

If I were the queen of everything!

I have fond memories of my childhood, when my sister pulled at the fine hair just above my ear where it hurts the most and made me confess: You are the queen of everything, then as soon as she released me, I’d run away and instead of cry I would just laugh because we were already smuggling peanuts and stuffing our bras and we were clearly too old to play that game.

Now that I am older, that my breasts are real, and my issues are surreal, sometimes I sit and think if I were the queen of everything…

1- I would fine anyone donning more than one Burberry item, except if it’s a baseball cap – then they get shot.
2- I would be fluent in Politics
3- I would ban double denim combos
4- I would design the police outfits myself and make the men wear breast metal plates
5- There will be a weight limit with a 10% margin; a FAT tax will be imposed beyond that.
6- I will have my own castle on the clouds above
7- I will kill all whingers, moaners (so that rules me out then…)
8- I would cancel periods
9- A version of the Matrix will be offered to people who can't face reality and prefer to be plugged into a fantasy life.
10- I would cancel Mondays
11- Ban reality TV – FOR EVER
12- Make male circumcision mandatory
13- Telemarketers, recruitment agents, Estate agents etc …will be put on a boat and sent off to the wastelands of Glasgow.
14- Create a force-field around platforms to stop people from jumping under trains and disrupting our lives, in fact ban trains and everybody can fly to work
15- There would be no cleaning
16- I would ban dentistry, there will be a pill...Still working that one out!
17- I would make everyone read my book
18- A chocolate brownie with hazelnut ice-cream would be a healthy snack
19- Women wake up looking gorgeous
20- There will be a Ratio of 3 HOT men to 1 woman
21- Ban clocks, time is relative, I want my reign to be a causal casual world
22- I would ban questions like: where are you from? Followed by where is your niqab?
23- I would have Einstein and Sacajawea regularly over to dinner.
24- I would ban Saudi men from driving and they’ll have to wear dresses – Oh that’s right, they do already!
25- There’ll be no hangovers – haven’t worked this out, by I’ll have my scientists find a way to remove side-effects from Alcohol consumption
26- No celebrities allowed, if anyone starts to get famous, he/she will be shipped off to Glasgow
27- Ban bingo games
28- I would appoint my king consort by measurement criteria
29- If my King were to try anything funny, it’ll be off with his head
30- I wouldn’t have to say: you’re the queen of everything to my sister
31- There would be no sisters

In fact, if I were the queen of everything I would be so bored, because I’d have everything, I prefer a world where I am not queen, where men are elusive, where everything is a fucking struggle and whingeing is tolerated. This game was much more fun before-breats, post breats is just tragic! I hope you like my drawing.

Dz-chick…in a kingdom world of her own!


  1. May I add one to your fine list?!
    I would have Samantha's magical powers in the bewitched(Ma sorciere bien-aimee); it always have been a fantasy of mine :)
    Is that a self-portrait?! Looking good!!

  2. You may indeed! I like Samanta! Is that all? Where is your hunger for power? Are you sure you're Algerian?

    Yeah still carrying a little holiday weight but the cape covers it well! ;)

  3. Well, if you think about it, with Samantha's magical power, I would have All the power I want but to do good and good only!!!

  4. Only good?? That's a bit boring...you have to play a little!

  5. Does "playing" involve Not doing good in you "Kingdom world"?! What would "playing a little" mean for you in your imaginary perfect world?

  6. Blue  playing like using magical powers to freak out my sister, snoop around the presidents office, indulge in a little voyeurism perhaps, fly to Rio and back for the weekend, go back in time and turn Hitler black…along those lines! Oh and pray for world peace :)

  7. It's all good indeed (besides freaking your poor sister out)!! And "oh" , you won't have to pray for world peace, you would Make peace in the world because guess what, you would have your magical powers!!! And "voyeurism!! Everyone's favorite and Im sure yours as hell...I mean as well!!

  8. hhahahahahahaha... love it.. and love ur piece of art, u r bit hawla (is it the case in real life).. and i love u drew it on a piece of paper from work, i can almost make up whats written: Credit crunch s hitting badly and employees have nothing to do so they some of them r drwing. U have nice REAL (u claim) breasts.
    Can u send gingers to Glasgow too
    Lots of love x

  9. this is funny. I agree with at least 70% of what has been listed. this has made me laugh and brightened up this horribe day. thanks DZ-Chick

  10. Anonymous My assets are real I assure you, though when I drew this drama queen above, my finger slipped a little and she came out crossed eyed! I though ehhh fuck it! the piece of paper is a printed email from my inbox, I am a bit of recyclist you see.

    On request for Gingers to go to Glasgow - Approved.

    LT-Chick Is that a symbol for Lithuania?
    My pleasure. any requests?

  11. After spending few minutes of laughing down crying on "Now that I am older, that my breasts are real, and my issues are surreal" I can tell that may be you're not the queen of everything but your're at least the one of your breast

    God save Dz-chick : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtUH2YSFlVU&feature=related


  12. Hahahaha. Love it! Can I add?
    - ban loneliness
    - send all apeupristes to Glasgow
    - tele transportation !!
    - re insert barter!

  13. Farasha cheers babillon! Can't work the link though! Is it the GB national Anthem by any chance?

    Anonymous absolutely but what is barter?
    Good call on apeupristes, though I might be on the voyage! Have you not seen the drawing?

  14. Barter as in exchange of goods for goods with no money transactions..going back to a bucolic way of life I guess... I don't think the drawing is a sign of apeuprism! Hahaha! It's pretty good!

  15. Ah that! I thought it was when you bargain to get the price dropped or is that called bargaining! Ha Ha
    Don't laugh

  16. Sex Pistols - God Save The Queen have a good night i'll dream of your kingdom... no periods and 3 hots men *_*

  17. That's it :)
    If you manage to dream of the above then it should a sweet night! Let me know how it was tomorrow ;)

  18. you obviously has never been to glasgow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2junZRuEG0

    why are you so depressed babes? you need to get your finger out before it's too late. never mind the cheerers on. get rid of the blog. i got rid of the guitar.

  19. Glasgow is a dump!
    I got a new passion now so the blog is secondary :)
    But you might be into sonething! Why on earth would you get rid of the guitar? Idle thumbs man!!!

  20. hi there james this is there contact details, they have 15% discount now, mention Howard told you to ring

  21. Ah, loved it ! So funny.
    Thank you Your Majesty, you can be my Queen any time

  22. look whose flirtingk.

    bdw, what's you new passeieune?

  23. Formosa there you are! Thanks it was a whinge so naturally it came out funnier than ... Usual perhaps!

    I read your latest! I like it when you're mean! I have a Korean friend, I might get him acquainted with your blog!

  24. Boussi Boussa Who's flirting? Formosa? Naaah he's a tease!
    Can't tell you about my new passion here now can I? You know where to find me!

  25. I thought flirting was just a form of teasing? Or was it that teasing is a form of flirting?
    In any case BB, HRH is right - she knows it is her writing I love.
    Btw , more mean stuff coming

  26. her writing and her bottom i presume LOLOL

  27. It would most probably be my bum had he seen it! but for now, we keep it clean and bottom-free.

  28. Wait a minute, not so fast. I hadn't realised there was a bum involved as well. Maybe I've been focused on the end of Her Majesty?
    Btw ... Law Number 12. What's up with that?
    When it becomes law, are we talking retroactive enforcement? Not that I'm worried personally you understand, just curious.

  29. Formosa Law no. 12 will be enforced on all males below the age of 13! there will be a general anesthetic but I haven't thought of all the details.

    I understand very well indeed :)

  30. Well, it sounds harsh but since you will allow general anaesthetic maybe your queendom will be known as Chick The Merciful.
    But just to check... You haven't gone down to the shops yet to buy a surgical knife, have you? Anything your next date needs to be warned about in advance?

  31. Typo above: I meant to write "... focused on the wrong end of Her Majesty"

  32. Haha, I LOVE this post. That is all I have to say!

    That said, I have to disagree with #31. as I have a wonderful sister and I adore her!

    Soraya x

  33. formosa My next date! There’s a thought! I haven’t had one of those for a while. I gave up on the whole thing now. Next blog: “If I were a cat”
    Soraya that’s more than enough said ;)
    BTW: I too love my sister OBV.

  34. Some women wake up pretty nice..

  35. Homo Erectus that or she woke up before you, sneaked into the bathroom to put her face on then she snuck back into bed and pretend to be waking up just as you started kissing her neck or whatever it is you do!

    Others like me just wake up looking fresh faced and gorgeous ... But we're a rare breed! I can't help it...

  36. I've known a girl of that rare breed.. emerging from sleep with slightly bulging eyelids on happy fizzy eyes.. healthy milky skin.. beautiful long hair flooding the bed with pheromones..

  37. that's the morning he became homo erectus from homo sleepus

  38. @Boussi Boussa: That's hillarious..loll

    Dz-Chick, you're a lucky one..in the morning I look like nothing...from wake up time to get out time it's a complete metamorphosis for me!
    I totally agree with the "snick into" the bathroom theory...otherwise it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us..lol

  39. She was 22 by that time... we broke up when she moved to France.. I found her by accident on Facebook a year ago.. she is now married with what seems to be a morrocan businessman (not sure for businessman) and has a baby girl.. She looks like the average fat mediterranean wife ( still great hair though)..

  40. @ Homo Erectus: Oh 22!!! that explains everything!! Still.... at 22 I looked like nothing in the morning!!lol...But not fat then and not fat now!! ;)

  41. Haha ! Blue you remind me of a Faith No More song called "Ugly in the morning" that.. hmmm.. fits well with the mood..


    You did one thing wrong
    You woke up.
    It looked better before
    And the stomach turns...
    Say nothing without wasting a word
    I know exactly what you meant
    I know how piggy feels
    He starves without missing a meal
    Look in the mirror...
    Don't look at me-
    I'm ugly in the morning

    When the headache is gone,
    The sun is not.
    Forgot to turn the alarm
    Doesn't matter how much you think
    Or the number of hairs in the sink
    I did it to myself again
    I know how piggy feels
    He starves without missing a meal
    It's getting clearer...
    Don't look at me-
    I'm ugly in the morning

  42. Lol...what a creepy song!!

    Hey Homo Herectus..how do YOU look in the morning??!!

  43. Ha ha NOW you're talking Blue

  44. @Dz-Chick...Cheers babe!!! ;)

  45. Me ? in the morning ? Ugly on top, sexy under the waist..

  46. Hey Homo Erectus, shying off??!!...Show us what you got!!!
    Maybe this song will help you out...Lmao.. :)


  47. Na...Not good enough!! You gotta have the whole package; otherwise you look like nothing just like the rest of us!!!

  48. Hey good night ! I have to sleep a little bit (and i'll remember Blue in the morning when i'll look at myself in the mirror)

  49. Oh how sweet is that!! Good night and try to look good in the morning..lol
    Will remember you too but I'll probablly sneack into the bathroom before ;)

  50. Wake them up Dz-chick!!! Everyone is on vacation or what!!! How about Homo Erectus, he had a heart attack when looking at himself that morning?! Boussi Boussa, any funny thing to say?! No, nothing?!

  51. Maybe on the latest post: http://www.dz-chick.com/2012/05/you-love-to-hate-me.html

    It's too hot to be funny...lethargy galore!


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