Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Cynics Anonymous

Hi, my name is **** and I am a cynic - aholic.

I believe cynicism is intractably linked to high expectations and the result of these expectations being unfulfilled, which results in disappoinments and the loss of faith in the subject (regardless of it being people, a profession or government) in my case it’s mostly friends and men.

We all start off as optimistic, happy if a little naive - growing up, your life experiences start to mould you into who you are today, a hopeful optimistic or a negative pessimistic or a cynic all together. Which is worse since you don’t believe in the good or the bad - you just don’t believe in people anymore.

After a series of disappointments, how can one keep the level of optimism one needs to survive the next batch of disappointments that is to come - oh yes trust me - there is always more.

I am cynical in my humour, I am cynical in my outlook on life, and I am cynical on my take on men and work and everything else...what happened to me! I used to be the happiest person I know, but I do still have an element of naivety – maybe there is hope yet for me

This interest in writing about cynicism came about after I "met" someone, who claims to be very interested in me and has "serious" intentions towards me, calls me and emails me, says all the right things, he is perfect and I guess could be believable to any women ready to believe - well the problem is - I AM NOT. I do not believe him and I take everything he says with a pinch of salt, I don't return his calls or respond to his emails. I deleted his number to restrain myself from calling him - not because I am playing hard to get - but because I am so cynical that I cannot allow myself to believe anything that WILL result in me getting hurt again. I can see the whole scenario like a movie in my head already - I will fall for him, He'll have someone else or cheat on me, I will leave him and I go back to being cynical and single.

I admit I feel vulnerable - because these disappointments have slowly chipped away my armour, so my heart is ready to believe but my brain screams NOOOOO. And being a logical person with very strong will power I evidently follow my brain.

I really want to believe him and give him and myself a chance to make it work and maybe even -god forbid- be I need help? What a scary thought.

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