Wednesday 26 February 2020

Laughter cures all ails?

I am hereby advocating self-fondling, self-exploration as it proved useful to me when one night when I was having a whale of time with myself, I found a lump in my beautiful, gravity defying left breast, and which later turned out to be cancer.

Don’t panic I said to myself, I promptly had it removed and followed it up with a month of radiation and a trip to Chernobyl as a top-up! you know, better be safe than sorry.
I tell you that place is still highly contaminated but it was a fun trip! Here’s a picture!


Contamination at Chernobyl power plant, Ukraine
The good news is that my doctor said that radiotherapy will effectively freeze my boob in time as it were, my left boob will forever be young and upright when I am in my 70s and my other boob is in my sock. Win some, lose some!

To start the radiation, they give you some tattoos (just dots, barely visible to non-boyfriends) and they ask you to not lose weight or maintain your weight so that the beams are targeted and accurate, obviously for me, all I heard was don’t lose weight and I ate like I was dying in three months!

So when later on I didn't die, I was like...fuck!
I may well be the only cancer patient who put on weight during treatment. Is there like a trophy for that?


It was an ordeal yes but I think it was less traumatising than some of the things people said or did to me over the years, as I sat there contemplating my life and my limited possibilities, I realised I was far more equipped to deal with cancer than with people in general. At least Cancer doesn’t talk back!


Anywho! Now I am fine and in remission for the next five years, waiting to see if Corona doesn’t take me instead.


Thug life!


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