Sunday 6 June 2010

33 and still single....maybe I will do better next year!

In the midst of my 33rd year, still single.

Long gone are my London socialite days where work was just a mean to afford to have fun and indulge in luxury goods and lifestyle. I moved to a smaller sea-side city for work in the hope of bettering myself -further I mean...but the only thing I managed to further is my weight gain, managed to kill my social life and burry myself in my work.

Seven months on and still going strong, the last few months in this god forsaken seaside town have been nothing short of a military camp for me. My life revolves around work, working and the little time I have I spend it on the motorway running back to London to my old life and my friends where I resource myself so I can face the hard working environment I found myself in. Male dominated industry, lack of acceptance from male colleagues and peers. Can’t say this hasn’t taken its tole on me. Though perhaps there are a few positive outcomes to this experience. I have realised how strong willed I am, my endurance knows no end, I have taken on a 3 men position, surrounded by egocentric, sexist males who endeavour to make my life difficult, which in turn makes me persevere even more. I see this as a set challenge and I accept it, naturally the other positive aspect to this whole experience is what I have learnt in terms of the business aspect and my abilities to do business. ..I suppose the other realisation is the level of motivation, determination perseverance and capabilities I seem to have...mmm is this what detters men?

As I always said before, I am a strong believer in fate, and I believe that all of this is happening for a reason, I will never question the reasons or the intricate plans of nature, I just keep going and let life happen, what is encouraging though is that I can see the mirage and the picture of my final plan in the midst of all this fog and uncertainty. I have faith that I will achieve my goal, I will not divulge this just yet but I will do in the future and all will be invited to the "opening" Inchallah.

To be painfully honest, whilst writing the previous paragraph I realised I was trying to convince myself that it will happen for me and that I will succeed, I am a fearless creature who knows no boundaries to success, if it is to be grabbed then it shall be, so I will work hard and make it happen...Inchallah

My life cannot be what it has been for the last few months, a sad state of a workaholic who is married to her job because she has nothing better to do, Yesterday, feeling quite hormonal and emotionally deprived, I actually cried about my spending the afternoon off in my garden, I cried about things I didn’t have and things I don't even know if I really want, I cried about the lack of a man in my life, lack of children not because I want them but because I feel I am being judged by society for not wanting them, I feel scrutinised by my friends when I play with their kids as though they try to decipher why is it that I am not interested by babies and If I am perhaps jealous of their own "litter"...I cant swear I don’t want to have children, I can only say HONNESTLY that the thought would not cross my mind unless I had someone I WANT to have them with, someone I love and desire....why am I so hard on myself? I cannot even allow myself the luxury of a relaxing afternoon in the garden...I feel restless.

As we all know most women from the age of 24 start fantasising about having children, you hear them cry "I want a baby"...I question..."how?", "with whom?" I believe the broodiness is a natural urge that we cannot control, male or female but we can suppress it with the aid of social and moral norms, but this doesn’t apply or work for everybody, perhaps for me, but I cannot judge people for seeking to have children with the help of "new age" methods, women are more and more inclined to have babies without the help of a natural insemination or a man present unless he was the specialist doctor. And I cannot judge them...these women in their mid to late thirties who have looked and looked but failed to find a partner, love or someone to be with, choose to cut their losses whilst biologically still possible and create a partner within. I am sympathetic.

I started this blog when I turned 30 and 3 years later.... same blog title! Single Algerian Women...albeit in a different town, perhaps I will do better in my 4th year.

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