Sunday, 6 June 2010

33 and still single....maybe I will do better next year!

In the midst of my 33rd year, still single.

Long gone are my London socialite days where work was just a mean to afford to have fun and indulge in luxury goods and lifestyle. I moved to a smaller sea-side city for work in the hope of bettering myself -further I mean...but the only thing I managed to further is my weight gain, managed to kill my social life and burry myself in my work.

Seven months on and still going strong, the last few months in this god forsaken seaside town have been nothing short of a military camp for me. My life revolves around work, working and the little time I have I spend it on the motorway running back to London to my old life and my friends where I resource myself so I can face the hard working environment I found myself in. Male dominated industry, lack of acceptance from male colleagues and peers. Can’t say this hasn’t taken its tole on me. Though perhaps there are a few positive outcomes to this experience. I have realised how strong willed I am, my endurance knows no end, I have taken on a 3 men position, surrounded by egocentric, sexist males who endeavour to make my life difficult, which in turn makes me persevere even more. I see this as a set challenge and I accept it, naturally the other positive aspect to this whole experience is what I have learnt in terms of the business aspect and my abilities to do business. ..I suppose the other realisation is the level of motivation, determination perseverance and capabilities I seem to have...mmm is this what detters men?

As I always said before, I am a strong believer in fate, and I believe that all of this is happening for a reason, I will never question the reasons or the intricate plans of nature, I just keep going and let life happen, what is encouraging though is that I can see the mirage and the picture of my final plan in the midst of all this fog and uncertainty. I have faith that I will achieve my goal, I will not divulge this just yet but I will do in the future and all will be invited to the "opening" Inchallah.

To be painfully honest, whilst writing the previous paragraph I realised I was trying to convince myself that it will happen for me and that I will succeed, I am a fearless creature who knows no boundaries to success, if it is to be grabbed then it shall be, so I will work hard and make it happen...Inchallah

My life cannot be what it has been for the last few months, a sad state of a workaholic who is married to her job because she has nothing better to do, Yesterday, feeling quite hormonal and emotionally deprived, I actually cried about my spending the afternoon off in my garden, I cried about things I didn’t have and things I don't even know if I really want, I cried about the lack of a man in my life, lack of children not because I want them but because I feel I am being judged by society for not wanting them, I feel scrutinised by my friends when I play with their kids as though they try to decipher why is it that I am not interested by babies and If I am perhaps jealous of their own "litter"...I cant swear I don’t want to have children, I can only say HONNESTLY that the thought would not cross my mind unless I had someone I WANT to have them with, someone I love and desire....why am I so hard on myself? I cannot even allow myself the luxury of a relaxing afternoon in the garden...I feel restless.

As we all know most women from the age of 24 start fantasising about having children, you hear them cry "I want a baby"...I question..."how?", "with whom?" I believe the broodiness is a natural urge that we cannot control, male or female but we can suppress it with the aid of social and moral norms, but this doesn’t apply or work for everybody, perhaps for me, but I cannot judge people for seeking to have children with the help of "new age" methods, women are more and more inclined to have babies without the help of a natural insemination or a man present unless he was the specialist doctor. And I cannot judge them...these women in their mid to late thirties who have looked and looked but failed to find a partner, love or someone to be with, choose to cut their losses whilst biologically still possible and create a partner within. I am sympathetic.

I started this blog when I turned 30 and 3 years later.... same blog title! Single Algerian Women...albeit in a different town, perhaps I will do better in my 4th year.


  1. DZ-chick
    I really think you should think a little deeper on this fate thing.

    I'm sure you already know about the idea that our thoughts are formed by the language we use... you emphatically use the word believe about fate. Yet it is one of those curious concepts that it doesn't make any difference whether you believe in it or not.

    For example...
    If one does, and then spends time looking for signs and portents and trusting in things out of one's control, you don't really know if it worked or not. Things might have turned out that way anyway.

    If one doesn't pay any attention whatsoever to tracking fate's progress, you still don't know whether it was at work.

    Of course I don't think you really *believe* in fate - when was the last time you drove a car at 90mph down a twisty mountain road whilst blindfolded?

    So... (in my humble and attempting not to be overbearing opinion)... your story seems to present me with a dilemma of who you are. On one hand, driven, self-possessed and recognising the power of your will; but then on the other trusting in a tenuous twist of thought.

    Maybe the fate thing only kicks in to your consciousness when considering relationships?

    And back to my original point of our thoughts being molded by the language we use - talking about belief in fate allows one to put the mind in neutral, to coast... Which is fine actually, unless of course you're unhappy with the result.

    what do you think?

  2. What do I think?? I think I have met you before and had a conversation about the power or verbalising one's desire, and how language is intricately linked to moulding our thoughts and ultimately achieving our goals.

    "Maybe the fate thing only kicks in to your consciousness when considering relationships?" maybe because that’s the only aspect of my life I cannot fully comprehend or control...

    What do YOU think?

  3. Hmm... well, it may be jumping to a conclusion that we've met. The DZ woman I met recently didn't mention a thing about consciousness and language.

    The bit about language and thought was certainly not made up by me (or you I think?) so I guess maybe we've read the same books, Noam Chomsky perhaps?

    "... [r. is ] the only aspect of my life I cannot fully comprehend...what do YOU think?"
    But I don't know enough yet to say much more than I have. Nothing worse than overextending an insight.

    But, since you ask... if I were you, I'd shift my thought around a little from the Ins'allah being too literal. So (stand by for a metaphor) suppose ins'allah is a deep and fast running stream, if you jump in, you'll go where it goes. But suppose ins'allah is an ocean- then you can swim, dive, build a boat - basically get anywhere you want.

    [Where am I going with this? I have no idea... too tired suddenly. I was in bed, just having one last look at email, websites etc (as you do) when I noticed your reply. I'll sleep on this and see if I can come up with a better answer to your question.]

  4. ok... feeling slightly embarrassed about the metaphor, I was obviously too tired or about to enter dreamland.

    I'll try to say it simpler... People (i.e. not only you) would never dream of handing over their mortgage, final exams for university degree, driving a car, the deal they are chasing at work, to the whims of fate. And yet just about everyone does exactly that when it comes to relationships. It is somehow a comforting thought, no matter how years pass, broody and keen to get busy with the procreating fun, that it will all be OK in the end because Destiny is holding your reserved place at the table of Long and Wonderful Relationships. You just need to get there, but that seems to be taking a bit longer than you first understood about Destiny's plans. No matter, be patient, trust Destiny.

    As you can gather, I don't really think much of that idea. So I'd suggest (but only because you asked) maybe to make the best use of your remaining eggs, that you make a plan, get yourself in shape, pick a bloke and put yourself out there.

    That's what I think.

  5. one more thing... You asked another question (ok, it was rhetorical).
    "...realisation is the level of motivation, determination perseverance and capabilities I seem to have...mmm is this what deters men?"

    I'm sure it does for some men, but you shouldn't really mind one way or another about those anyway. You don't sound like you'd be their type.

    In a couple of jobs, in fairly high pressure business environments, I've worked with women who have been highly motivated, driven and never shy about making their point. For me personally that aspect never turned me off from them, nor did it particularly attract me either. If they are good at their job (as opposed to being just noisy, bullying and pushy like many males), then they certainly get my respect. But not necessarily any attraction - that usually (always?) depends on something else.

  6. Impressed with your metaphor! don't be embarassed. However when I say Inch Allah it doesn’t mean "what ever Allah wants" for me and for many believers I think uttering the words Incha Allah or God Willing after any sentence means I will Endeavour to achieve X but at the same time recognizing that X may not be achievable due to factors unknown to us or that are out of our control, therefore Allah knows what we don’t know, and it is an affirmation of faith and humbleness to say Inch Allah because you recognize you may be powerful but there is always a power mightier that thou.
    For me saying Inchallah is telling myself, I will do my best and work through my plans with all my knowledge, power and resources, but I remain a humble subject recognizing that if I didn’t succeed there is a reason known or unknown to me and at the same time, it helps humans heal better and accept defeat if they know it was not meant to be….Please don’t get me wrong, it is not out of their hands, it is in our hands what we do and don’t do in life…what is written is a the result, but we are responsible for making our own way towards it.
    This is a big big subject, fate vs destiny, as I said earlier belief in fate and destiny does not prevent people from striving to reach their goals in life, albeit some people justify their acts or failures as an inevitable outcome of destiny, Humans always try to blame destiny for everything they cannot comprehend or attain.

  7. DZ-Chick, your blog is just a joy to read, however I think you are bit hard on yourself,be positive and Mr.Right will come along, it happened to me when I expected less or shall I say I never thought will happen to me, anyway, fingers crossed for you to meed a decent man, and God knows how many are they out there.

    Naima -London

  8. Thank you Naima. And to your question on how many decent men are out there - The answer is very few and they're all taken ;)

    But no matter - I am trying celibacy and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

  9. positive thoughts, all you need is to look harder, I found mine while we worked together and I asked him out and never looked back, I do believe that there is a soulmate for each of us, and not all decent men are taken, look harder dz-Chick and you will find someone who will suits you at all levels, remember There are plenty of fish in the sea! please keep us smile with your blogs, i am so glad someone out there share their thoughts with everyone!
    bonne soiree

  10. I try Naima, I try not to think about it at all and just get on with my "life"

    Stay tuned for more mini-dramas :)

  11. Bon,

    At least you have taken a written record of your last three years to be able to compare points of progress and stagnation (which we are all guilty of).

    Currently I am writing this to you because I found your blog by the most long-winded means and search terms of google, wasting time here on a Friday night.

    I agree with what a certain poster said previously, about being more positive. Even if this is much easier said than done :)

    Perhaps it is because you may be from a Francophone culture, as an Algerian? I myself am part English, part French and I know what it means to grow up in a hypercritical francophone environment and mindset.

    All I can do is suggest what I am trying for myself currently. In your writing, there seems to be a lot of deep thought, but I would suggest it is import to draw a line of boundaries between your feelings and those of others.

    Your writing is intricate. And you're an Algerian, these are two major positives you have going for you to compete. Best of luck, Sean.

  12. Merci Sean for your comment.
    I hadn’t thought of this blog as a “journal Intime” but I guess it could come in handy to remind me of my thirties and my life dramas.

    The Francophone culture has no doubt a part to play in all the addressed issues here I will have a think about how it affects us and revert back with a new blog!

    Thanks for complementing my writing. You are probably the first non Algerian to say/think that being an Algerian is a positive point. It is quite interesting!

  13. from what I read in your blog you are 33 (still young by any standard), you are educated, you accept criticism, you are certainly fun to be with, and you know how to choose your words carefully, but you are still single. 5/6 for the positives 1/6 for the negatives, you are scoring too high. The fact that you didn't find the right man may be because you are setting the bar too high and probably looking for MR perfect, i.e rich , inteligent, handsome, tall, caring, brave, etc... all in one package. Such Mr perfect if he exists would certainly be taken. So if you want to find Mr right you must be prepared to accept some imperfections as we are all humans and we all have them. I agree there is a minimum you must accept and that's the lowest you set your bar, but look at bright side and see the cup half full rather than half empty.

  14. Hello sunshine, remember me from of couple of years ago, yes the drunken posts.
    I think everyone will go through this at some point. Friends start getting married, buzy or just plain boring.
    It can be difficult if you are used to a dynamic life in your twenties.
    I know exactly how you feel as I had to go through the same thing. I moved to a little town, where locals loved it but I dreaded it as I was used to great social life of London. Admittedly though I moved after I found myself a woman. And because I wanted to have a quite time after work. So I can understand your point of view.
    To be honest if I am single again (God forbid) I will want to move back to London.
    I think you are very career motivated, which is good, but I have come to learn money is important but there are much more important things.
    Doing something you enjoy definately helps, and it can be an oportunity to move back to London.
    It depends on how you define success. You can define it as achieving a certain managerial position or earning a certain salary. Or you can think about success in terms of being happy and doing something you like, having a family, having morals, being a good person, helping others,..ect

  15. Oh hello my drunken poster! I am glad to see you moved on and back on my blog.

    I have since moved back to London, I just felt it wasnt fair to my blog title ;)

  16. I have just re-read my blog post - what a load of cr*p!
    I clearly needed a holiday then!

  17. hmm... I strongly disagree - not crap, its good writing. Honest stuff. Reading from the beginning - Nov07 - I think this episode is a critical change point in the story.

  18. Thank you F
    I have to agree on that year being a turning point for me, I don't regret moving there but I wish I'd done it differently!

  19. @DZ-Chick discovering you in an unconsecutive order is very interesting.
    2010 sounded like a sad year for you and your readers.... you only submitted four posts. Lucky for you I had not discovered you yet as I wouldn't have let that happened #justsaying


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