Thursday, 18 June 2015
Losing my religion!
This year like the last few years, I find myself questioning my faith; questioning my motives, questioning the whole thing! Why do I have to starve and deprive myself, why do I have to only be with someone of the same faith or be sad and lonely forever and ever, why can’t I enjoy a glass of wine from time to time (don’t worry I do), why so many Dos and Don’ts? Why so many sacrifices, why is it so difficult and complicated to be a Muslim.
A lot of the times I have to have a talk with myself in order to regain perspective and decide it was important and that I stick to it for reasons that I tell myself I understand and accept. If Islam is the religion of submission, I want to submit and cease all questioning and probing but I can’t, is it because I am getting older and all this religiosity is taking its toll on my body or is it because of the prevailing discouraging anti-Islam and extremist era we’re living in?
Am I a Muslim because I was born into a Muslim family? Or I was truly born a Muslim like everyone else is believed to be? Am I a Muslim because it’s easier to comply and submit than to face the threats of hellfire and the family disownment or I am simply too cowardly to want to truly know so it’s easier to just keep my faith or semblant of just to avoid hellfire, just in case it exists!
But I persevere, I fast, it’s Ramadan day one and I am going through the motions, hoping it’s out of faith and not out of tradition, total guilt and contriteness, every year I hope to revive my connection to someone bigger than me who will tell me everything will be ok.
The thing is I understand why we are here on earth; I just can’t accept that that’s the only reason.
Dz-chick....hoping to regain it by mid-month
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