He controls me, he controls me not

They control the world, politics (by starting wars and talking bullshit), they control the economy (mostly by starting wars), public opinions (again by talking bullshit) and they even control what we wear, if you think about it, the biggest and most influential designer names are men YSL, D&G, MJ etc…that’s right ladies, MEN.

The saying “behind every great man, a greater woman” was only said to avoid feminists blowing hot and burning more bras. Let’s face it chicas, men are in control and we are merely hanging on, fighting our way through, trying to mark our way up to that famous glass ceiling remember?

Why do you think feminism came to exist? And just one more rhetorical question for you, mostly to avoid any protesting comments, why do you think there is no such thing as a Manism* movement?  

In terms of relationships and romance, again I am afraid men tend to be in control, as much as you hear boys saying how it is always up to the woman, the last word is always hers, for a drink, dinner, sex, a date or marriage, she has the final say.

Don’t be fooled ladies, we all know most men get badgered into proposing to their girlfriends when they can’t take any more hinting or shoving towards the jewellery shop then she'd go and rave about how it was so impromptu and how she had no idea it was going to happen…gush gush bloody gush. 

BUT…If he decided not to pop the question or ask you out for that drink or dinner, what can you do? Take the step? And if you had the guts to do it, what if he said “euu sorry I am kind of busy” and thought “slut”, do you think you are that thick skinned you can take rejection the same way men do? I think NOT.

So past the first drink/date, in most cases, who do you think is really in charge? Apart from the very few cases, men usually hold the dice and are in control of when and what happens next. 

Women are martyred at the hands of these fastidious players, players who become such because we allowed to be, because weak and desperate women allow them to be in charge of their emotions, decisions and of their lives.

Women who are so desperate to land a man, they’ll do practically anything, lower themselves to the gutter to have a date, change everything they could about themselves and their lives if they had to. If he likes blondes, she is blonde and if he prefers brunettes, she’ll turn brunette so fast he won’t have time to say “I am a prick”, she’ll lose weight, starts to like “The Simpsons”, supports Arsenal and Top Gear becomes her favourite TV show.

But what does this man do for you? He doesn’t go on a diet because you’re fat, he doesn’t change his style (life or otherwise) to please you, and he doesn’t pretend to be someone else or speak in a softer voice when around you. 

Men are graced with that natural rough beauty where unshaven and unwashed is actually considered stylish, like the new Shoreditch style you can spot in and around east London with all the twat features walking around in their vintage old jumpers and dirty hair, calling it shabby chic, how about shitty chic?.

Other women who remain single after a certain age, but do not come to a resolution with their single status, become so resentful of it in fact, they become bitter and the worst thing is…they don’t even know it. They just give off this bad vibe that drives away men and repels friends.  Another kind of single ladies out there, have their criteria all wrong, they like a man because he’s nice to them. They don’t realise HE IS supposed to be nice to them.  These intelligent women with the MBA brains and abundant talent and wit, can be emotionally retarded, are reduced to liking a guy because? He is nice to them. It’s upsetting. 

Love and Respect in your relationship is not an upgrade ladies, it’s a basic requirement. However, I understand that women became conditioned to receiving the not-so-nice treatment they had endured, experienced, and come to expect, which in itself is engendered through the psychotic, needy and stalking behaviours of these very women. 

If you look around, your MBA brain will reel backwards at the number of beautiful, successful and outstanding women who behave like total desperadoes, chasing, stalking and begging not-so-special men who of course treat them with total disregard, disrespect and utter piss-take. 

Ladies (you know who you are), as ever I don’t hold the answers, but what am I if I cannot point out a few of your blunders, here are 11 pointers for you…

1 - At the restaurant, order what you like not what he “thinks” you should have. If he suggests you have salad, then he thinks you’re fat.

2 - Don’t be so dull and agreeable. Have an opinion and express it, avoiding to use fuck or bugger. 

3 - Smile, laugh, glow, don’t show your depressive side so quickly, let him bite the hook first, and then you can go crazy on his ass.

4 - Don’t compete with him. Men are pathetic creatures who are scared of competition especially from women. Don’t talk about your latest exploits and mountain climbing and solo travels, this will emasculate him. It’s too easy to do.

5 - Be elusive, keep some mystery (and your knickers) about you, don’t tell him everything including when you washed you hair or waxed your beaver.

6 - Don’t encourage the sex conversation, he’s going to want it, if you yield, you are a whore, if you don’t you’re a tease.

7 - Do not mention age, marriage, children, nieces, nephews, family or a friend’s wedding, don’t tell him about your imposed time-line and how many kids you dream of having.

8 - Act confident but not overly so; do not fish for compliments and constant reassurances that he’s having a great time and for God’s sake, don’t ask him if he’s bored.

9 - Don’t over text, call or email, don’t leave a 5 mins voicemail and if he doesn’t call, don’t call his mate or his work. Because we all know that when men attempt bold gestures it's considered romantic, when you do it, it's considered desperate if not psycho.

10 - I always say just relax and be yourself but that obviously only applies if you’re a normal cool chick, if you are aware of your stalking capabilities, it is advisable not to be yourself.

11 - Don’t tell him how cool your name sounded with his surname, because you know you’re tried it, you’ve scribbled it on your notepad and said it aloud to see what it sounded like. 

The list goes on, but I can’t be bothered to finish it, you’ll have to content yourself with the 11 “words” of Dz-Chick wisdom, cast in the fiery chasms of her mind.

But know this, with all the advice you can get, all the power, beauty, intellect and strength you can muster, men remain in charge not because they are stronger, more powerful or more intelligent but simply because women allow them to be, they (women) yield to their demands and control because most women are hardwired to depend on men for support and protection for them and their children and men are hardwired to do all they can to make sure that any children born to them are actually theirs.
It is that basic, evolutionary and it is all about their manhood. 

To put it simply; men will always attempt to control women and women will almost always submit to that control. So yes it is up to him to text, call you back, ask you to marry him, perhaps the only thing a woman is in charge of is putting out or to put it more graciously; consenting to sex, even if this control can be taken away from her when a man decides to claim back control.

Men may be in charge of this world, successful, powerful and hold the dice but like someone once said “women may never be as powerful as men because they have no wives to advise them”

Dz-Chick…fan of odd numbers and broad topics!

NB: due to the broadness of the topic, a second parter will follow as soon as I can be bothered.
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*what? It’s a word.

Beaver painting by Shardcore 

The Algerian Imago Mundi

I’ve been staring at this map for a while now, trying to make sense of it. As much as some parts of it are sarcastic, predicable, funny even, it remains extremely ignorant.

First thing that should jumps to you head, is to enquire: WHO the hell do you think you are? Then comes a series of other thoughts, sighs, some infuriating, others just humorous and endearing, but mostly I’ll have to stick with shock horror.

Let me take you through this “hilarious” version of the world according the average deluded, ignorant and quite funny (in a fucked up way) Algerian.


- Let’s start by the centre of the world and of this map. Really where else? Algeria.

Algerians are strong believers in the evil eye and hence it literally says 5 in your eyes, which of course you should know refers to the hand of fatma  which is the symbol of the evil eye warding annulet or whatever it actually meas. Of course Algeria is green because it’s so prosperous, I can only presume.

* To its left you’ll see the Red Morocco (I assume because of the Red Moroccan flag but who knows) but I will have to contact the author Kamel Labiad. Our reference is “We close borders on them, because they always beat us”, yes Algerian-Moroccan borders have been like revolving doors, closing and opening due to may political and sometimes outrageously silly reasons I cant quote any. Don’t ask me. As for the “they always beats us” that’s just defeatism my dear Kamel, it’s so middle class.
* Just below that you see the little amber land of Western Sahara aka POLISARIO – just to piss off Morocco. Need I say more?
* To the right of prosperous Algeria, you see Tunisia, it’s also green and labelled simply and concisely “summer” hence that’s where a large number of Algerians head every summer for their yearly vacations. Nothing more, nothing less.
* Then comes another green land, though it ought to be pale and yellow, Libya. The only reference for it is GADAFFI and that’s it quite rightly, when have you every heard of someone else from Libya besides Gaddafi? Ok maybe that psychotic son of his. Did you know Gaddafi has his own wax work at the London Mme Tussdauds Museum?
* Ah no too fast. There’s a Yellow land next to Libya is a once upon a time great land called Egypt, our sources coming mostly through and from football it says “we’re better than you”, because even when Egypt wins we are still better than them. That’s just the way it is.
* Besides these amazingly important countries, the rest is of course BLACK as night, anything sub Saharan is black and is AFRICA.
* Safe for the little brown corner on east Africa where it says Hunger and drought and of course South Africa right on the edge of the African continent, who are seen as “slightly more civilised blacks”. That’s fighting talk.


Notice how colours start to cheer up as you head northward towards Europe?
* Everything in Western Europe is refereed to as FRANSA, the source of all civilisation, I think we ought to add “where bananas come from” safe for Marseille which is of course the 49th province of Algeria. Really France ought to hand it over.
* Germany in randomly or not, Orange, as you MUST know, Algeria played Germany in the Football World cup in 1982. They will never EVER forget it, by that I mean, we will never let them forget it.
* The huge purple land is our 3rd /5th hand weapon dealer, Russia, in bracket is: where we buy hand me down weapons.
* Below that, the red land of communist China, I am guessing…
The red land of the Chinese spreads as far as Australasia and all the way to Turkey and parts of Eastern Europe, of course they are Gog and Magog, they must have turned everything on their way to CHINA or devoured them all.
* AL QAIDA is thrown in the middle of it all in purple, presumably where Afghanistan is supposed to be but off by a few hundred miles, of course not eradicated by the Chinese, because….yeah.
* If you are any good at Geography, you’d know where India is.  My job is just to explain what it says: Janitou. An old Bollywood movie telling the story of a young handicapped orphan child in India called Janitou. Back in the day (70s) Algerian TV played this film every Thursday afternoon (beginning of the weekend) and everybody knew the words to Janitou, it became the co-dependant national anthem of Algeria.
* The red land there where Saudi Arabia is supposed to be is of course “The Muslims”, the holy land of Islam and where Islam is claimed.
* The small blue dot clinging to it is “The dammed Jews” and in between brackets it says “temporary state”, is it temporary or imaginary state?
* Japan is in the pacific, sitting in yellow and labelled “the real Chinese” which I think is random, or maybe they have been better represented in the movies than the Chinese, with martial arts and other stereotypes and generalities I don’t feel like listing.
* Australia is green and called Europe, because obviously it’s another green, prosperous land to be conquered or illegally immigrating to.

The North Pole sits in a white lump; the South Pole is labelled “the north pole of the south” …as I type this, I feel almost silly really covering this.

The American continent is spilt into 5 parts, Canada/Alaska become one ice bucket in what is labelled “too cold”, the US of A is in red and labelled “sons of Christ and movies” for obvious reasons, Mexico in brown (I wonder if the colours are actually relevant to these misconceptions) is labelled “Kassandra” and this is perhaps not as obvious to you, it is in fact in reference to a Mexican soap that was broadcasted in Algeria that was dubbed in Arabic.

Then Ronaldo for Brazil because everyone in Algeria can tell you where Ronaldo is from, funnily enough they can also tell you where Maradona, Thierry Henri and Beckham are from, because Football is a national affair you understand.


The yellow part of Latin America is where “Pepero and the golden Eagle” reside, I have a vague recollection of this cartoon shown when I was a kid back in Algeria, and I think Pepero was from South America somewhere.


And finally let’s not forget about Great Britain in dark blue, which of course says “Manchester United” the greatest football club ever until Barca came along? I don’t really know or care about football

The above are not my opinions or those of the author or the picture Kamel Labiad, but those of the below average Algerian who views the world through their TV sets, cartoons and soaps, through football and old history taught in school before he left (school). The Algerian who thinks anything outside of his territory is alien, negative southward and positive northward, expect for South Africa, it’s a special case.


This is not an insult to Algerians, to Blacks or Chinese, this is just the poor and obvious ignorance of a segment of a certain nation, and how they view their imago Mundi, and I don’t think the Polish, French or American imago mundi would be so much different. I would love to see the American one in fact.


Dz-Chick….in my imago mundi, I am the earth.
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listen to janitou you'll love it, the whole of Algeria does. Here

Wipe that glass ceiling woman!

made by dz-chick (like obviously)

One distant day (thank god) when I was looking for a job, after several interviews, many versions to my CV, three rotating suits and about 15 rejections I managed to land a job. The fifteen rejections were based on my being overqualified for the job, how can I be overqualified for a job when I am just out of University? I knew deep down it was because I was a little cocky and too strikingly beautiful for the female interviewees who always seem to be focusing a little more on my hair or my hips than on my CV! But don’t get side-tracked with this little anecdote, our plight is with men. 

Somebody somewhere, mentioned that women, who spend a good deal of their lives studying, can be "too much", they change (change is bad), their mentality is altered (to the worse) and become too logical, analytical and demanding to keep a relationship going and the emotional rollercoaster that men will put them through, in other words she’ll wake up, look at him and say Eh ben merde alors! Or in other words (English ones): why don’t you go fly a kite!

Somebody else of equal chauvinistic characteristics and less intelligence also mentioned that women who are mentally emancipated, successful and independent will never be truly happy.  

I DELCARE! 

It seems there is a consensus on women who over-achieve, further their studies, earn more, speak one more language than HIM, have strong personalities (oh that old chestnut) and who are confident are deemed problematic and the issue turns from compatibility to compliance. 

Some men get frightened and choke, they’ll tell you are very special, very clever, fantastic, and beautiful…by this time everyone is waiting for the BUT……“you have too much life experience” and there it is. Is that euphemism for old bag? I wonder... 

Now, we’re overqualified for men as well as jobs.

As a result, women turn to SWANS (not the feathery type) - Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse. They reach what we call plight of the high- status woman, women at the top who seem to have it all. Widely successful career, high flying lifestyles, great physical attributes (acquired naturally or otherwise), health and blinding social lives but remain poor to average on the romantic scene.  

Everyone seems to instinctively know this, but do you ever stop to think why? 

It’s almost as though men deliberately choose less androgynous, less successful, weaker and less independent women to prove to the SWANS they can’t have everything after all.  

It is also a known fact that men compete with women at work and seem to think that is enough, at home they would prefer someone easy, less challenging and right down sedentary, to share their lives with, make babies and generally get bored together. 

If you think this is crazy, wait for this, in 2004, researchers at the University of Michigan published a study in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour, which, loosely summarized, found that the men in their sample prefer to marry a woman whom they considered to be a subordinate, rather than a woman they considered to be a superior or a peer. 

So what makes you ‘wife material’ you ask? Well it all depends on the guy, obviously what makes you wife material in India doesn’t apply to America, France or Algeria (in Algeria they call it the Kriti Bezzaf syndrome*), though what these men do have in common is that most (some) of them are looking for women to play fetch for them, pundits claim there are definite types of women that men marry and being too successful, independent and feisty aren’t some of them.  In this supposedly egalitarian age, is there truly such a thing as ‘wife material’? Too independent and free, intelligent, too sexy, too attractive, everything is preceded by a “too” or a “very”, as if you one of the criteria to being ‘wife material’ is being average across the board. 

Stern stuff! Perhaps on some deep, evolutionary level, men probably believe the strong, independent, successful, sexy woman will probably not stick around, will never settle for him and/or is deemed a threat. It all sounds a bit schizophrenic, when a men’s manhood is threatened and insecurities are awaken, an analytical mind will be seen as difficult, the sensitive soul will be seen as weak and a sexy woman is seen as a whore. 

On the other hand, very accomplished women often have high expectations, some of which are not wholly realistic and often chosen to match the women’s status and accomplishment which only makes their acceptable dating/marrying pool even narrower.

Now we get to the Independence Conundrum; the term 'Success' is nebulous and is not necessarily related to independence, some men reiterate that ‘Successful’ means she has earned her independence. As much as feminists would probably hate me for it, I'll have to agree but insist this is simply applicable to men as is it to women.  


Being this feminazi, independent, successful woman seems to have become the source of every single woman’s predicament, as it seems men conscientiously or unconscientiously through their choices continue to reject the idea of a super woman and what we thought was our strength becomes in fact nooses around our necks. 

So what next? How to tackle this schism? Would you ask women to yield? Women who have come to believe that marriage is a modern slave trade, woman who believe that men are the enemy, women who convinced themselves that man is obsolete and women who have perhaps aged a bit, lost hope and found it convenient to think the above and blame it on ‘success’. Am I the devil’s advocate? Perhaps. 

After reading the above, you’re probably waiting for the answer, well, sorry to disappoint you ladies, I reckon just loose a couple of pounds, take the time to be honest with yourself to understand exactly what you are projecting and understand that although you CAN do it all alone, it doesn’t mean you have to and women who are single by choice, yes that may be so, but is it yours (choice)?

Whilst SOME of the above may sound like it was forged in the blazing flames of bra-burning feminism; that is not the subtext. It is really all about finding me a boyfriend.

Dz-Chick…an ambivalent feminazi!

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* you've studied too much syndrome - of course I made this up!

Oops I ate it again!

 

Inspired by recent and ridiculous events…I thought it was time for a refresher on religious studies, my last religious education lesson was back when my nipples were still inverted and I didn’t have to fast, but my memory is a bit fuzzy now, when I drill into it, I keep getting flashing images of “2 Unlimited” NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE’S NO LIMIT ….curious!

In my re-findings, the 5ive pillars of Islam are listed in a particular order, I was most interested in the observance of Ramadan and prayers and how they link the person observing them to God, how it is a personal responsibility and relationship between God and his subject and them alone.

But in certain “democratic” republics, fasting seems to have become a public affair and a responsibly of the state;

Public consumption during Ramadan is considered a crime, an offence punishable by law, here I am, thinking it was a sin, apparently it’s both since you get arrested and taken to court on charges of eating in public. This is terrible; think of how many people are hurt with every bite, the blood shed!!

Women might have it easier, if apprehended for public consumption, you will be asked for your “papers” so to save time, pull out a tampon with your identity card to be on the safe side or your diabetes card or your antibiotics or whatever protection you need from humans, because it offends them more than it does God evidently.

Praying on the other hand, which holds the same if not a higher rank than the observance of Ramadan seems to matter less to people, nobody prosecutes you (in between meals) or judges you for not praying, it is considered a personal choice and is usually left alone. Because??

It might be that we’re over thinking it and it’s simply a case of the old “if I have to do it…everybody else does too” or is it considered cheating just like doping in the Olympics? Maybe they think it’s a national duty? Who knows what they teach them nowadays!

In other countries, fasting is considered archaic and ignorant, some fast in secret, some flaunt it like an Olympian flaunts his medal, whilst others eat without being prosecuted and some might even gain respect for the perseverance and strong will.

Some fast out of fear of what people would say, others fast to loose weight, and others fast despite their dubiousness because it’s easier to fast than to stand up and object especially when you don’t have the arguments.

Some cling on to every scientific proof showing the positive effects of fasting, mostly to convince themselves they’re starving for the right reasons. The link to a certain BBC program is passed around like a faith touchstone and a sort of “I told you so” to the non fasting friends.  But there are the few who do it out of sheer faith and never mind the judgment.

The Non-fasters hunt is now open;

The streets are policed and whistleblowing is endemic;

Quick call 999 I saw someone drinking water!

Ridiculous you say?

One word: where I come from they call it Kwada*

As a concerned citizen, I’d like to know is it an Islamic republic or a democratic one? Charia or Not charia? Your business or my business? And where is Boutefilika? Do you think HE fasts? What do you think the self-righteous, toothless creep who alerted the “authorities” on the drinking criminals was doing at the time? £100 he was either wanking or steeling.

What about non-Muslim citizens? Do they also have to observe the fast? Or simply not eat in public? Who is making the laws here? A hungry judge who missed his S’hour(1)? And what of freewill, human rights? And Periods?

I find it utterly unbelievable that the majority’s beliefs are forced upon the population as whole and unconformity and differences are punishable by laws that are uncertain, unfounded and irrelevant especially to the minority who could be Jews, Christian or simply choose not to do it.

Apparently 2 Unlimited had it all wrong! Or have they?

Massayminch (2) – That’s how they roll

Dz-chick… does not much care for snitches and the self-righteous!

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(1) Meal before sunrise and resuming fast

(2) not fasting

* Ooops I did it again

It's a Ramadan Miracle everybody!‏

The excitement is palpable and the wait is over, four years of waiting for the prestigious games to hit our screens again, to hit our streets and our neighbourhoods, London is buzzy and excited and we are all united in that.

Largest and multiple small flags acquired, jerseys stolen purchased and betting tables started, as for tickets they’re an investment in their own right, and we’re celebrating our modest delegation with high hopes of glory and sporting miracles.

Just 48 hours ago, Algerian fans were plunged into despair after their last hope for a medal was taken away following Makhoufi being thrown out of the games, we thought the only way we can get our hands on a medal was if we casted the bronze ourselves. In fact it was so bad, we thought about claiming the Egyptian medal as our own– “droit de sol” was it?

But today, today is a different story, Algeria celebrates its First and probably only Gold medal won yesterday by Makhoufi after he was reinstated in the games, in what was labelled a very controversial affair. And Algerians everywhere, across the world celebrated proudly and loudly the victory of this young man who worked so hard and came so far to become an Algerian Olympian Champion.

The Algerian celebration and pride of the one medal was more important than that of the Brits with their 48 medals. It makes you think, what one medal, one victory could achieve, the tingling feeling inside, the pride, the tears, the inspiration and the joy.
So great big congratulations to our Champion and to the Algerians. It’s all a nice story.

However,

Let’s not give the credit to the government, this is a self made athlete who applied himself and committed to his sport in the same way Morceli, Mere and Boulmerka did the first time they astonished the world, and he followed suit in that too. 

And let’s try not to forget please, that our Olympic delegation is made up of 39 athletes and  some good elements,volleuses volleyeuses African Champions and 4^th world ranked Boxer etc…the rest remain relatively unknown, or frustratingly irrelevant, but amongst this group, Makhloufi has managed to shine, supersede and excel, whilst the others were too busy getting disqualified.

After watching with immense frustration, loss after disqualification after “too unfit to finish”, carrying on watching and supporting Team DZ, will take a bigger person or a more patriotic one than I am.

Our athletes are sent to the slaughter, some unprepared, some unfit and completely unmotivated and some seem to suffer from a syndrome I call “al mouhim al moucharaka” (1), where it seems the only achievement celebrated is coming to the Games itself and visiting Big Ben, so they do an act of presence and take it easy, rely on others to land the medals, maybe the Boxing team will get a couple and we’ll be off the hook!

But that’s the thing though, there’s no hook, if you win a medal you’ll get a car or some other insignificant reward, if you don’t manage a win, you still took part and represented your country “proudly” and that’s enough!

And besides, there’s always another breed of Algerians across the pond, who can take the relay and play for Algeria, it seems the standards are lower south of the Med.

Watching inspiring athletes like Phelps and Sir Chris Hoy, Ussain Bolt and Bradley Wiggings makes you wonder what makes them champions, hard work, dedication, support, funding, commitment, we all know this, we apply the same principles to anything we undertake in life, a 10k run, a triathlon or our day to day job which is what these guys do, they apply themselves to their jobs. 


If you play spot the differences, from a platform a mile away, in the dark, with smudgy glasses, you can see the contrast with our athletes, physically and performance-wise, apart from a few who make us proud and make their opponent tremble. let me not start on the laughing volleyeuses who giggled their way through to disqualification and gettting their asses kicked by the novice Brits.


Algerian Sport has been in the dark for years, a huge shortfall in infrastructure, of large scale sports politics, of talent-spotting competitions, funding and scholarships is to blame for the degradation of the sporting spirit and the aspirations to go beyond qualifiers.

Makhloufi’s near miss is a true testament to the Algerian federation disorganisation and incompetence, he might have been reinstated but this win is tarnished by controversy and polemics though this will eventually be forgotten, his gold will forever remain in the annals of Olympic history, and hopefully overshadow the controversy of how he got reinstated (deservedly) into the race. 

Where the Olympic Games inspire generations, make you cry with pride and tingle with excitement; our home athletes make us cry out of angst and frustration and disappointment, but last night here in London, the Algerian National Anthem resonated in the Olympic Stadium and made every Arab (allegedly) and Algerian out there proud, maybe even made some people over at the Daily Telegraph* tremble with fear at the tempestuous** tune.

Dz-Chick…..always going for bronze! 
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(1) it’s the taking part that counts

* the Daily Telegraph listed the 10 worst National Anthems at the Olympics, Algeria is 5^th


**Big word init