Tuesday, 8 February 2011

F*cking Country

Which one? Algeria or England? euuu Algeria do you even need ask!

Why? hmmm why? Let's see...because since 1962 we've had about 10 years of good life and abundant food, jobs and total security, because until now with all the economical reforms that Bouteflika has undertaken we are still suffering HUGE inflation, unrealistic property prices and unemployment has reached a staggering 30% (slight exaggeration on my part perhaps) and insufficient infrastructure and never ending state of emergency that is causing havoc in the capital including constant traffic and air pollution.

And then you have the Algerianism which is a way of being and living and talking only Algerians are capable of...
- People's constant stares, why are people looking at me? do I look different? probably not and even if you didn't they would still rape you with their stares and excessive curiosity, at this point I want to teare at my hair and scream STOP FUCKING STARING YOU WEIRDOE but instead I take out my phone and start typing an angry whinge to my English mate who is married to an Algerian and compare notes with her...she gets it!

- You are invited to a wedding! who? someone’s lost uncle's daughter is marrying a pilot! oooohh a pilot weshbik! Or perhaps he’s her cousin and nobody wants to admit it.

You get dragged to the wedding party, music blaring from a DJ who doesnt know where to look there's so many half naked girls around, you try to talk to the guests at your table and you end up just nodding and smiling or shouting to make yourself heard "I cant hear you and no I DO NOT want to bloody dance" my mother giving me evils that are supposed to order me to smile and that spell "behave you're embarrassing me", the bride dressed in multicoloured traditional extravaganzas, her hair fashioned in a way only the angels or a pair of scissors could entangle, giltter all over her skin, big black smoky eye make-up a la Libanaise apparently, right so you weren't going for the Goth look? Well you look lovely..Mabrook(1).

Bride and everybody else: Lakouba lik inchallah(2)
Me: Merci
Everybody: well say Inchallah
Me: I said it in my heart...now fuck off.

Multicoloured cakes are served, they are all made from the same pastry and filling, almonds scented with rosewater, covered with different coloured sugar coating, served with mint tea that is so sweet it could induce instant coma or some luke warm كَوْكا كَوْلا or Coka.
Whilst we eat, the bride struts around the hall showing off her "beautiful" gowns, people stare with half smiles and some break into deafening ululations, a feel of hypocrisy fills the space, I feel so awkward when she comes near my table so I start to smile beamingly in an attempt at expressing "wallah am not jealous" hoping not to be categorized with the other group of young girls dying to be married and are apparently giving her the evil eye. I like the Carakou and le Caftan I thought, leaving the party.

- Sitting in a Salon de Thè in Algiers as they do...Iiiih we have Oil and it doesn’t show, Morroco is better, Tunisa is amazing and we have a LOT of money but a lot more vultures, thiefs...Heard it all before!
Where are you spending the NYE? Me: Sahara, bourgeois mate: Paris and another is talking about Honolulu....me: I see....

Other table: have you seen that girl? They're talking about me I think...she is from elhih (abroad) clearly I don’t belong because my hair isn’t straightened to rival that of the Chinese, I am not wearing 3 layers of makeup or even 1 and I go out in flipflops, but the girl with them says: what? You call that style? She can at least make an effort with footware and maybe loose some weight.....me: hmmmmm

- At the airport, all the people on the queue for British Airways are eying each other, trying to guess each others story, that one is going on holiday, another is going for business, another is trying too hard which means local Algerian trying to look "HIP" to be able to pass immigration which means he's never going back, others are hiding their passports, mine is red, his is green! Ahh mercy!

Whilst still at the airport, we are all still Algerian staring but discreetly, doing "El Watan" crosswords, once we get on the plane we all become British, all pick up "The times" or for some its "The Sun", polite to one another and only address each other in English and smiling to your neighbour is a NO NO. Once in Heathrow, no eye contact, all on their mobiles and promptly ignoring each other.

The pilot announced the weather, unboundedly lousy, cold and rainy upon which time I hear myself say: Fucking country...which one Algeria or England! This time its England; back home, it's sunny, couscous is abundant and all our cakes are almond filled (tough luck to the allergic), The Sea is blue albeit polluted, you can eat grilled sardines and go sleeveless...at your own peril.

We're doomed I tell ya!
(1) - Congratulations
(2) - Your turn next...


  1. brilliant and love reading your blogs, seems that you have enjoyed the "wedding" party!

  2. ONE, 'TOW', THREE, VIVA LINGLISE!!! The Wedding story is so funny. When will the day come when I see a classy DZ bride, maybe one who arranges for a little cupcake selection, provides drinks not served out of bottles on the table, keeps the music a few decibels below a dull roar, isn't dipped in glitter, wears two beautiful dresses rather than eight tacky monstrosities. I am sure your wedding will be MUCH better. If you can keep away the chin grabbing head rollers. Lakoubalik indeed. I wouldn't wishit on my worst enemy!!

  3. My wedding? ha!
    If there will ever be one I shall wear ONE dress and serve mini croissants to piss off my mother! And for drinks I will serve alcohol just to piss off my mother-in-law unless she is already dead which would be a bonus and bring Enrico Macias if he's still alive (cos it will be in 2035) just to piss off Bouteflika who will probably be dead by then anyway.
    And you are of course invited - Dress code: naked for all I care it’s a dream anyway!

  4. hahahaha that's the funniest reply I ever read DZ-Chick, but tell me something would marry only Algerian men if I may ask? if you want to piss off you Mum in law just don't invite her to start with and go and get hitched in Las Vegas.
    I like the dress code as at least I dont have to think about which dress to buy for the event (hope you will invite me ?)

  5. Hi Naima, biensure tu es invitee weshbik!! I will just tell you what time you have to go to bed so we can meet in dreamland and boogy to some gnawa tunes whilst eating mini danishes!
    And YES I want an Algerian guy :)
    My mother in law has to be invited so she can disaprove and roll her head in disappointment (boooh aliya boooh)

  6. lol that's soo funny, I forgot about booh aliya booh hence this is why I opted to get with a non Algerian one, no booh aliya booh nor strict protocol of going around with tones of dresses and smile to people you don't even know, elmouhim inshallah you meet a "decent, loyal and nice" Algerian man (they very few but they do exist), let us read more of your blog, love it as it makes me laugh, love you logic about analysing things, keep up the hard work.


  7. Great post Dz-Chick, made me remember some similar misadventures a few years ago.

    Il faut se rendre à l'évidence, plus nous vivons en Occident, plus nos mentalités changent et, fatalement, un gouffe finit par nous séparer de nos ex-concitoyennes. Leurs préoccupations nous semblent tellement futiles et superficielles... et nous leur paraissons tellement "étranges" que bientôt l'incompréhension s'installe. J'ai vécu moi-même ce "décalage culturel" y compris dans ma propre famille.

    C'est ainsi, émigrer comporte une part de renoncement qu'il faut accepter. Comme Naima je pense que ta mentalité sierait davantage à un Occidental qu'à un Dziri, mais bon rien n'est impossible.

    Last point : our traditional pastries are made with orange blossom water (eau de fleur d'oranger ou mazhar), not rose water. Booh... nsiti dija? ;-)

  8. Ah yes its orange blossom...nssit!

  9. Great insight of the 3arss inner circle....go on...more stuff:)))

  10. Ok more wedding stories to come...I have so many from the days when I used to like to go and have a laugh...

  11. DZ-Chick, I hope that I am invited too, to your wedding, I do like to dance though till Dawn. Nice really truthfully said blog. Wallah dahaktini though, Love you girl.
    Your Star ;)

  12. You are all invited obviousely...
    Thanks Anonymous...more to come!

  13. no wonder you're still single

  14. hey DZ CHICK.
    i red all your blogs and i was surprised that you were 30 and smart and still not married, till i red this blog then i figured out why you not married yet. thats because fomak mchark bezzaf. lol and algerian girls are famous by that. so do uncharki fomak and i promise you, you will get married
    i liked you very much when i was reading your blogs and i was even hoping to meet a smart girl like u but when i red this blog about f*ucking country ta7ti men 3ini ya DZ chick.
    never forget that ur algerian and u will be algerian wherever u go.

  15. @ Soltan: I laughed so much at your comment. I guess you have noticed foumi zad etcharak the older I got...

    Fucking country is about both countries not just Algeria but England as well so don't start getting all patriotic on me.

    Oh I am Algerian am I? what's that you say? never forget it??? are you sure you read all my blogs? because if you did you would not be saying what you just said/wrote!

    You reacted in a very typically Algerian over nationalistic manner, in the way we defend Algeria relentlessely and without thinking! This post is about how much I love Algeria depsite all the shit it puts us through.

    Aya welli kamal kraya fel blog

    Salam toi meme

  16. I am just wondering how come I did not read you before...mean never came cross your blog(s)...it means you did have other blogs before this one?
    Anyway...I think I start understanding why I like reading your posts in this blog (I dont know other ones though)...it's because you express yourself in English language when thinking in Algerian!...that makes it hillarious...especially from a girl...or a lady!
    I am still exploring your writing and furthermore you dz-chick.

    This time I won't sign my comment it, just to see if you have the "flair"...who's that?!!!

  17. You won't sign THIS TIME? does that mean you commented and signed before? are you not Dz Cheikh?

    No this is my first blog, I don't write anywhere else!

  18. you got it...plein dans le mile!

    Dz-cheikh en personne can I help you lady?

  19. What do you think you can help me with dz-cheikh?

  20. I enjoy your writing style very much, it keeps me wanting to come back for more! Just out of curiosity, Win Qriti? ;))
    Great post! You nailed it on the head the way you described the wedding party. I hate Algerian weddings with PASSION!!!! I thought it was just me who felt this way. I dislike the idea of spending so much money for that kind of show and to invite people who don’t deserve to be there. I don’t like the “defile” of the bride, do brides usually want to go through all that hassle? I never liked the ”yoo yoos”, they are annoying. I only enjoy the food especially the sweets. I am going by memory, I haven’t been to an Algerian wedding since my teenage years.

  21. Hi Slice, thanks :) Glad you enjoyed it.

    Qrit hna ou lhih...you know!

    I want to write more about the Algerian wedding scene and I have attended onother one on a recent visit to Algeria...so watch this space.

  22. Rani mera hna ou mera el hihe*...
    Dz-Chick hna wa lhihe....be careful moving too much can be tiring!;)
    Anyway, I never answered how I can help you....it's bit hard to follow up on the blog once there r different comments in different posts!...I need to put an alert system!
    Apparently t'hebi l3aress ya chick!
    I am sometimes here...and sometimes there!...

  23. Hello Dz-Cheikh: hna ou lhih could also be very good!

    No you never mentioned how you think you can help me!

    It's not hard to follow at all, that's what the "reent comment" option does :)

    I am not big on weddings, the last one I visited I was forced to go or I would have been labelled the black sheep!

  24. @dz-chick: The black sheep...hahaha nice one "El ma3za el Kahla"///...anyway I just meant in a gentleman way: this is dz-cheick can I help you chick...that's all....I might be confused and lost sometimes, as I have been back to work and hence...not as "free-er" as I was during ramadhane...shame though!
    How's the city?...
    PS: what's "reent comment"??? I am really a cheikh on those things apparently...hey I just noticed you corrected cricis...heheheh

  25. Recent comments is the widget I have on the left hand side of the blog page, where you can read recent comments! you are really a cheikh :)

    Yeah I corrected it ya cheikh :)

  26. wow.. you've just described every single wedding I've ever gone to..
    If I'm ever unlucky enough to get married I think I'll elope... in a field... somewhere far, far away from Algeria.

  27. Sorry but you sound vile.......... don't think you will be lucky enough to find an Algerian husband...

  28. Ha ha, great post again. We Algerians are seldom content, we have that attitude that'grass is always greener on the other side'. I am always glad to leave to the UK to return to France and as soon as I get to St Pancras station in the Eurostar departure area I start complaining about the French! Home is home but which home is actually home??


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