I always had high and renewed hopes for the New Year, I always excitedly jot down a list of things I wanted to achieve, countries I dreamed of visiting, kilos I
desperately needed to lose and I go about
my year working on my objectives with such optimism you’d think I was American.
But this year feels different, something is definitely missing…I didn’t even
make a list! I am consumed by something else, less superficial than a few kilos
or some Hollywood-inspired objective.
First day back in London after the long Xmas break, I already know I don’t want to be here and it wasn’t the lack of sunshine or morning coffee at home or the familiar safety of my parents’ house. This time it’s different and I can feel a chasm opening and slowly widening.
As I proceed with my usual work commute, the sky is a dull grey unpunctuated by anything, I can’t see where it begins and where it ends, people are so quiet on the train you’d think they’re on their way to their executions, the only sounds coming through my headphones are coughs, a lot of coughing!
In the office, I sit at my desk and as I look around, I see my colleagues milling around the floor, repeatedly wishing each other Happy new year, nobody knows when it’s appropriate to stop, the media hadn’t spoken on the subject. They sit in front of their screens, they run to meetings, they hold papers in their hands and discuss business, I feel part of the engrenage and simultaneously out of place, something nags at my brain, the feeling of being trapped is strong, like a lab rat, I think of the long hours we’re expected to work for nothing in return but the boss’s own pleasing, of the work-week that seems to be designed subtly enough to send us home lobotomised for the evenings and comatose for the weekend.
Resistance is futile, I am part of this system, this modern society that transformed us into new-world slaves, I am a slave, an agent of the system, a slave to the matrix.
The feeling is stronger in the last few years, all I see is flaws, this modern society model we live in is flawed, it works only to enrich the ruling elites and enslave the masses, full of social conventions put in place to control us, transforming us into sheep. Once you wake up and see it, you can never go back to “normal”....either that....
…or I am getting my period soon!
Yup hormonal....or Age darling .....menauposal maybeReplyDelete
haha could well be!!ReplyDelete
houlà ! ma rakich mliha.. ou raki dji lebled ta3 skimi in a "pas de tahlab" fashion.. the gloomy london fog is playing tricks on you.. tabrouri is much friendlier..ReplyDelete
It's fucking with my head!ReplyDelete
I am back in April - let's do this
It's probably your period dear. On the bright side, you are still funny and you still make me laugh with your subtle (and cute) sarcasm. I laughed out loud at this: "I see my colleagues milling around the floor, repeatedly wishing each other Happy new year, nobody knows when it’s appropriate to stop, the media hadn’t spoken on the subject."ReplyDelete
I was home to visit my parents not too long ago but despite the metro-boulot-dodo lifestyle, I was happy to be back in the city.
Absolutely! you know how much I love my period!! lolDelete
My humour is still there, dried a little with the years which makes it sharper hopefully, so very few words needed for maximum effect, 'cos you know that's really what I live for! :p
You haven't been around here much lately! keep it up x
mregti c'est tout, happens to different people at different ages :) malekoReplyDelete
As you say! others are still buried deepDelete
Glad to see/read you around!
Change religion dz bella or create one like I did ;) it worked for me and feel much happier and lighter :)))ReplyDelete
I pray twice a day, one in the morning and the second one in the evening when I get back from work.
have a peaceful weekend
M - I don't consider myself of any religion anymore, I like to just believe in something and as you say, do it the way I feel is right!ReplyDelete
Guilt doesn't come from above, it comes from society, family and friends, so it's them you need to know how to manage. Now I am on it :) and I think you got that sorted a while back - Good for you!
Glad you are posting again. I hate the corporate world with passion. I was a freelancer for a few years and never felt more free. What I hate the most about this new society/world is that there is hardly any credible resistance to it. Everyone is blind to the fact that they are not living but are more like zombies hypnotized by a system that leaves hardly any capacity for the brain to function.ReplyDelete
I am contemplating the freelancer route as well, or just doing something for myself!ReplyDelete
Most people will live and die having left no legacy and having made no real impact on anything big or small! So depressing!
the end is the same impact or no impact, so self-indulge ou koul wahed yetla3 leddar :) MalekoReplyDelete
Maleko!! you rascal!! I am sure you managed to impact a few things/people :pReplyDelete
Don't look for perfect moment, take any moment and make it perfect ! :)ReplyDelete
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Good luck x
also I hope you're doing better!ReplyDelete
Better than what/when?Delete
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