Monday 23 January 2012

Appraise THIS!

Appraisal week is underway; most of the team members have had theirs and came out looking less pleased! I too have had mine and luckily for my line manager I happened to “meet expectations” nothing more, nothing less! Fucking jobs worths!

Other people have not been so lucky including those who have had two maternity leaves in one financial year (gestation of a monkey) and moonlight as a part-time grass.

For those of you not from the investment banking/Finance industry; the game goes something like this;
They work you hard all year (they block your blog, they give you a phone then record your conversations, they talk to you about objectives, motivation and assessments – none of my favourite words), then close to the end of the year they announce results, point some fingers, fire a few people and announce further bad news and budget cuts like no Christmas party and bonus pool to be reduced by 30%.
When appraisal time comes, they score you based on the last time you came in at 8.05 instead of 8.00 and on the last time you didn’t pay attention on a certain meeting, or where you could have made more efforts and have been more pro-active! So they mark you down to “below expectations”, which of course will be reflected on your already diminished bonus and you can forget about the pay rise.

Below expectations?? How about you kiss my ass?

Outrage and resignation reign, Patrick wants to change profession, he reckons opening a funeral parlour will be a sound investment, people will never fail to die he said, Marie vouched to become a call girl, “at least I’ll get laid” she said, Laurence dreams of owning his own catering business, to poison bankers he laughs but I know it’s because he loves to decorate cupcakes, of course I (wa a3oudou bellahi min kalimat I) just want to fly with the fairies and sing lalalalalaaaaaa denial!

Most people work for their monthly salaries, weekly wages, some work for tips, some for a commission, some for fame, we work for the yearly bonus.
When the situation gets to you’re lucky to even get one this year , then it’s time to rethink your career, unless you can swim upstream like a salmon.

Dz-chick….a very strong swimmer, I’ll have you know!


  1. This is just a quick comment (cos I am busy right now)

    Complaining about bosses who are not happy you come at 8:05am instead of 8:00, yes u better be on time considering the wages city workers are getting.
    u must know know that if it happened you were working in an office away from finance, you would simply receive half the wages you're receiving now, and would never know what the word bonus means.

    I have my appraisal n pay review this afternoon, I will comment again tonight.

    Ps: I like ur funny joke though :)


  2. Delboy ah you public sector people are soo jealous of us * ankers and our great salaries and ridiculous bonuses! Quit working for the council I suggest, lose your soul and join the real capitalist machine! We promise to turn you greedy and ungrateful by your first pay cheque ;)

  3. Looool hilarious
    " part-time grass" we all have one of those in our work environment

  4. I think it's my first time commenting on your blog. Suggestion: Have you tried appraising the appraisers themselves?

  5. Thenakedlistener you think or it is? :)
    I have no one to appraise do I can't say I can understand them, though I have done in the past and I am a very nice manager! Too soft on them and way too lenient, they took the piss out'me!

  6. Hilarious dz-chick. I am for upstream!


  7. We basically have a similar issue with my bloody bank. We're expecting the restructuring plan anytime this afternoon.
    For my appraisal it went fine as I happen to meet expectations. However, forget the raise, plus bonus is down 20% if not double that.
    What a sickening banking sector. I'm seriously considering my options at this point
    Nowadays, you need to have Plan A, Plan B, Plan C…etc

  8. Plans are a funny thing Fares you know how the saying goes " if you want to make God laugh, make a plan" ... Buuuut we still try to plan our miserable little lives ( oh sorry that's just mine)! I plan to quit my job, buy a flat, meet a great guy, get a cat, travel for 6 months and never age a day! Do you think God is laughing?

  9. Are you, MY children, sharing some sort of joke at the expense of your GOD?


  10. Dz-chick

    My child,

    Let it be me who am the only God you will ever need.Come to my arms, and you shall be secure forever more, and also very fulfilled.


  11. Brilliant! Do your appraisals do you appraisals and at the end no matter what *ull*hit you put in there it's the same money as the year before MINUS 40%! So yes quite the job re-invent and become an ice-cream seller...chocolate and coconut for me please! Love the picture!u

  12. The finance sector is percieved as a very cut throat businees with a lack of morality at the best of times, aha it's guaranteed that it has been sensationalised by the media, but people dream of those type of salaries, aha i hope your appraisal goes well my dear! x

  13. PA/EA/Secretary/Slave - one of the above.....24 January 2012 at 23:02

    Love your blog & I totally agree....I have yet to be appraised so will be back to vent later on...but I am asking myself are banking salaries actually that good and is it really all worth it ???

  14. GOD blasphemy is not my dada. But hey! I am trying….
    Anonymous you work and you work and you work and for what?? Pffff  
    Karim It is perceived correctly I would say. My appraisal went OK, nothing to be happy about though, I feel ripped off! I want my money back.
    Slave If you’re working at my bank than I am sure you’re grossly underpaid!

  15. Dz-Chick

    My child. It is I who AM your GOD. There is no need for you to strain your brain thinking up silly ideas. Hear ME. I AM GOD.

    Divinely yours


  16. I used to be a guy with no ambition... Just wanted to survive by getting a decent salary from a job that let me enough time for everything else that I love to do.

    At some time I undesrstood that this strategy was driving me to the situation where my life can be devoted to meet the expectations of some silly guy... So I decided to be that silly guy whose expectations have to be met...

    Even if i still have to meet the expectations of some other guy, he is less silly but I really hate this business

  17. God Despite my lousy appraisal, can I ask you for a descent bonus please? Though I'll be happy with 20K!
    I always believed in miracles!
    Your faithful subject, Dzc

    Chatnoir so you switched sides! And you're still unhappy! Perhaps it's just our human nature to remain insatisfied and miserable or they'll be no hope! Now do you offer bonuses as the appraiser? Are you in Finance?

  18. Dz-Child

    Only after you have hugged and kissed God, and ask Him for forgiveness for your having been so mean to Him in previous endeavors. I, GOD, am waiting.

  19. Love your description of useful as grass employees. :-)
    I have had periods where all I wanted was to be grass but ambition keeps rearing its nasty head, can't keep it under control.
    Nice thoughts on what we turn into with that wage/bonus dangling as bait in front of us !

  20. God I am agnostic ;)

    Formosa : Thanks, being a grass is not cool and it will always come back and bite you in the ass!
    As for the end... It's always to someone's advantage, rarely yours! Just not cool

  21. Dear Child;

    I your GOD am getting P.O. at all this blaspheming. There's going to be hell to pay. You must repent of this gross error in conduct while I still am merciful unto you. Ask MY forgiveness. For I am the Merciful One.

  22. Dear Child,

    Are you trying to be mean to God? Remember that I am LOVE, and it is not nice to mess with LOVE. You wouldn't like me when I am not LOVE.
    Repent Now. Beg for MY forgiveness.
    I is a gracious god, easily forgiving the many sins of the lesser species. Their honoring my godhood is all that is required for them to receive my generous blessings.

  23. Was just surfing the net when i spotted your dramatic title "Dilemmas of a single Algerian Girl in London"!!!!
    was worried for a moment, even got my plastic card out, ready for a donation ;-)
    spent the last two hours reading your articles, great writing. seems like i found a new addiction.

  24. Thanks Khaled for the lovely comment, are you sure you read all of it? My stats don't lie you know :)

    Your new addiction is toxin free and safe to use and your dealer is .... Well charmed am sure.

  25. Kinda glad I just have started a new job and it's family business xxx

  26. Irulana - congrats on the job hun! do they not believe in objectives and assessments? then you're lucky! x

  27. A newbie here,
    Dz-Chick, I am impressed with your little blog. I read some of your articles on “” and then I had to come and check out your own blog. You liberal articles make sense and they are lucid and well worded for a chick who grew up in Algeria. Hats off to you sis, keep entertaining us with your writing and open book life. If you ever want to change scenery and get away from it all for a while, let me know and I will send you an invitation to come visit the States (Vegas) and take a load off. Don’t we say back home ‘Badal rah bemrah testrah’. Take care Dz-Chick.

  28. Cheers Vegas Anonymous!
    One day soon ....Vegas baby!

  29. Vega baby, sin city.

    You don't even have to put out or anything (lol), just want to hang out with the woman behind the blog and pick her brain a little.

  30. Vegas Anonymous I appreciate that, thanks…lol
    Pick my brain ey! Well as long as that’s all you’ll be picking…


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