Monday 3 October 2011

I think, therefore I am single!

Couple on park bench by Heidi Mallot

Upon a beautiful Indian summer day in London;
The wind in their hair, the sunshine on their skin, their eyes locked in a loving gaze, their fingers tangled and bodies in a tender embrace;
Me; sleeping on the warm and moist grass at a stalking distance, lips pursed tight on a flat line, my gaze burning into their backs through my sunglasses, I feel my toes digging into the ground, my toes hurt. Is it a pang of jealousy I feel, I wonder, or perhaps just irritation at the display of affection, I ask myself what is so annoying about public displays of affections, I wonder, if it wasn’t that it reminded me of what I don’t have. They’re a couple, I am not….Ok I am bit jealous.

I too want to embrace someone so lovingly, I want to have someone to love, to call when I am upset and vulnerable and ask for a hug or have something funny to say like the day my friend got utterly indignant because the shoes in the Vintage store were all used, or the day my boss asked me why I was talking to him in Arabic when I said “ca marche”

Then, it annoys me to hear couples use the “we”, “we can’t come”, “we don’t like Thai”, “we liked the movie”, “we’d love to see you”, since when being in a relationship has made people joint at the hip and their brains mashed together, what is wrong with being two individuals but with shared lives, beds, holidays, house, accounts etcetera.... Is it a misconception that men long for that separate togetherness and find needy women as attractive as cholera or is that an urban myth I clang to, that that has led me down this doomed path to perpetual singledom.

I want to be the girl who never says things like “we’ll try to make it” and who has her own car, apartment and keeps her maiden name, and I long to be with someone, who shares her Indian summer days in the park, her life, her plate, her thoughts, her everything. perhaps the answer really does lie in the question.

Dz-chick....wants her cake and eat it too


  1. Love, love, lOve, evyone is begging for loVe!

  2. Let me tell you, I feel for you and it’s as if I did post this short story. Nothing’s wrong with you or with us (independent women). I was told a few years ago that “I was born in the wrong culture”; I wasn’t sure if I were to take it as a compliment or not. But really, the sharing everything thing is present in each culture. Is it possible to “Avoir le beur et l’argent du beur?” (Have our cake and eat it too?) Well, as much as I day dream for it, I am afraid that it is difficult to do but not impossible. I believe and trust that you can/will find the person who would share the same views on life as you do and he can be Algerian too. We were conditioned to follow our parents/grandparents path in terms of the invisible rules of marriage we all live by; rules that clash with the desire of autonomy. I am not discarding our principles but all this impedes our ability (both men and women) to live our life in harmony with ourselves and others and therefore our true individual identity will suffer.

  3. Hello
    I woke up this morning feeling exactly the same, i was drinking my coffee and wishing I had someone to call only to share a special thing.
    I am a single french & Algerian girl in Paris I have my family nearby , but something is wrong with me... until I find out what it is I'll steel read your funny and very interesting posts.
    thank you for sharing with us your thoughts. Since i discovered your blog I feel like in a Michael Jackson song "YOU ARE NOT ALONE"...

  4. I though as much, everybody feels it, if I have write another blog about being 35 and god!

    But safety in numbers etc it seems am not the only one feeling the raptrous grasp of singledom!

  5. Metropolitan life :-) I remeber driving fast somewhere at west coast rapping the following: "The Linguist across the seas and the oceans
    A permanent Itinerant is what I've chosen
    I find myself in Big City prison
    Arisen from the vision of man kind

    Designed, to keep me discreetly neatly in the corner
    You'll find me with the flora and the fauna and the hardship
    Back a yard is where my heart is
    Still I find it hard to depart this BIG CITY LIFE" Change is about to come, may light surround all hearts in need, God bless in your abundance :-)Pink Freud

  6. I hate the "we" of the blended people dissolving what ever they own of ideas and freedom of speech in a common decisional panel in charge of erasing any particular personality or interesting characteristic, and over all irritating the rest of the planet, single or not.
    even when it comes from my girlfriend I hate it. sometimes I just convince myself that she speaks about herself and the cat ....

  7. @Pink Freud: very profound :P
    i want to get out of this city life, but it's got its rapturous hold on me! :)

    @Azz: you made me laugh re: we = girlfriend + the car
    Glad you agree though, separate togetherness and not one mind, one thought, we're ONE.

  8. ... one bodies. have you ever seen how anacondas reproduce in the swamps?

  9. I suppose I can imagine it's got to do with entertwined bodies etc ... What's your point Saode? :)

  10. Hey DZ-chick, are you refering to me when you say Pink freud? if so, thanks ;)I love the 80's and I have other good music to post if it's ok with you. But no one commented on the youtube videos I posted!! guys if you dislike them, well say so...I wont be offended!!
    @azz:That was a good one..the cat and her...thanks for the laugh!!

  11. Blue sorry to disappoint you hon it was irulana my Polish Pink Freud but I like the pseudo Blue :)
    I didn't get the chance to view ur links, Internet problems am only blogging through ze smart phone, but please feel free to post links, I'll get around to watching them, but I like how u say u won't be offended lol did u film these videos?

  12. @Dz Chick, you better say it to Mattafix as I refred to this particular song ;-))Good stuff.
    Profound or shallow, does it really make a diffrence in this jungle ;-):P According to Elisabeth Gilbert the best relationship you could posibly be with is just relationship with your pizza ( Neapoli by the way) lol.

  13. must everything have a point? i just wanted to say whatever i said above.

    i don't see any youtube videos? that being said, the videos would probably have been rubbish anyway? huhu justttttt kidding.

  14. oh okay!!...frown face..loll
    Nah that wasnt my videos!! I will post other cool songs though ;)

  15. I always wonder why I am alone in a big city like London.... Being single troubles me most of the time, I don't know why. I do agree that being single is not synonymous to solitude. We just need friends. We can still be alone even when you are in a the so called "couple"..I have been in the past.

  16. Saode no it's ok hon, u say whatever the he'll u want and Blue you post whatever links you want!
    Khaled: I hear ya

  17. @ Saode: Polygamy, being single and Anaconda reproduction… must have a point but you must be too shy to express it..oh no wait!! YOU’RE NOT SHY!!! Since you’re openly accusing me of posting BS youtube videos. Saode, I liked you previous posts but now it’s war…show me what you got…post your own music and let the public judge..hehehe just kidding:). Bellow are the links and if you dont like the music, well you dont like it..

  18. as a matter of fact, i am shy :P .

    1st link was indeed rubbish as i expected lol but you redeemed yourself in the 2nd one

  19. @blue - the links didn't work on an iPhone for some reason. But finally heard them yesterday when I reached a computer. Yes, Spinners are cool, always have been :-).
    Didn't know the Orchestre National des Barbes. But I like it.
    Excuse the delay, someone's links to new music to me is like honey and bread falling from heaven. thks.

    @dz these romance novel style descriptions... what can I say! On behalf of all the red-blooded men in your readership, I can promise you that the very idea of your toes digging into the ground certainly has the effect of wishing to rush to your aid about this pesky problem of a non-present companion.

  20. Hey Saode, for a shy person you're pretty straight
    The first song was,let me think, what's the word?!!..FRIGHTENING...but the second one was more relaxing.

    @Formosa: you're welcome, glad you like it.

  21. Couples in love don't have to be so demonstrative in public places, even in gardens.. It's irritating and I find it a lack of class and elegance, especially in western countries where almost everybody benefits of intimacy.. It's not necessarily jealousy.. Sometimes it's just.. ugly..

  22. Formosa what can I say you read a couple of harlequins as a teenager and they haunt you for the rest of your life :) as for the lack of companion in my life well .... Am waiting! :p

    Homo Erectus: I suppose you are right but am pretty sure I was a bit jealous and thought if it was me would I display affection in public? Yeah look at me I have man! But came to the conclusion tat I would not

    Blue:am so glad you said "freightening" about Saodes link

  23. @blue - about 'BL is dead'. Well... I have to say I prefer the Bauhaus v.
    About Mogwai - lovely stuff. Add this to my playlist of songs to play while driving a '65 pontiac on a all-night cruise from Flagstaff to Las Vegas.

  24. @saode: sorry last message was for u about your songs!
    It's my dyslexia taking control again.

  25. Ok.. it's kind of a benign jealousy, you're mostly cravin for something.. the most curious and awkward for me is the jealousy coming from a girl/man who's already in a relationship.. and it happens more often than it is supposed to be..

  26. What kind of jealousy? Between a couple? Or between couples? We all have a bit of jealousy in us but it's how you channel it or portray it is what makes the difference don't you think?

  27. @Blue: frightening? well that's excellent. at least it aroused some sort of emotion out of you. as you know, not all in life is smiles and pink, there's also pain and blue lol.

    @DZ: what's to be glad about that?

    @formoza: careful for an all-night cruise to that track, it might put you to sleep.

  28. Said/ Saode .....because!!!!

  29. because? stop ganging up on me

  30. @Saode: Pain and blue?!!tell me about it!!! The thing with the song I didnt like is the lack of melody which is a big problem to my ears. lets take System of a down band for example, we can fairly say that it's the same genre but the difference is that they do have a molody in their songs which I love...I'm not a nunush girl hun(girly girl) and I dont like the color pink...loll

  31. lack of melody???? this song is full of melody, especially the first half, and has atmosphere and it's haunting.
    SOAD is good, quite unique stylistically.
    in any case, for me too much melody in music is like eating something that's too sweet, very soon it becomes "rassasiant". or music that follows a formula.
    i also like music that is engaging to the brain rhythmically such as:

    it should make you dizzy if you follow it properly lol

  32. I like a bit of a melody myself, otherwise you can't really follow the tune and have to concentrate with the beat and the groove and god knows what!
    Hence I hate Jazz!
    Cool tunes though Blue

  33. @Saode: Well yeah maybe I didnt"follow it properly" but you would agree that it's intense and you have to be ready to listen to something like that!! I like the one you just posted though..

    @DZ-Chick: I love Jazz :)

  34. i wouldn't necessarily call it lack of melody but the melody is more subtle rather than in your face(or ears?) and forceful.
    other than that, i love a bit of drone

  35. Sorry I wasn't clear.. I meant jealousy between couples.. let me tell you something : one of my ex-girlfriends was secretly attracted by a longtime friend of mine.. I discovered it when he began dating a charming lady she (my ex) introduced to him.. she suddenly became so bitchy and cruel with the girl.. really blatant jealousy.. she always denied but finally admitted it when I met her a couple of years after we broke up.. "I was in love with you (me) but attracted by H (my friend).. I couldn't do anything to handle the situation" she said, assuring me she didn't love my friend but was strangely attracted by him and just COULD NOT ACCEPT the relationship he had with the girl.. sick, no ?
    Dz-Chick please listen to this track by Herbie Hancock ... this is mere melody.. and this is jazz..

  36. I'm shocked! Hate jazz becuase no melody?!
    Here you go..
    Put headphones on, close eyes, open mind, subtract 9 minutes from your life.

  37. Ooooh come on Formosa shocked!!! I have said more controversial things than that :) ok ok I hear a melody... Thank you and Homo Erectus for the links it's actually ok, I suppose am a bit of a Jazz newbie!
    I just always found it a cacophony of sounds :p
    Apologies to all Jazz lovers

    Homo Erectus: ur ex must have been in a difficult situation arguably but am not condoning her behaviour, no matter what her feelings were for your friend as long as she didn't act on them and informs you about them I think she'd be condidered descent! but the jealousy outbursts at the his current girlfriend are out of line! She's Crazy crazy I tell ya!! :)

  38. Love this post dz-chick... may be because i feel it coming from some abyssal part of you...

    You probably know this song of Anais:

    it fits perfectly with your post...

  39. Thanks Chatnoir, I could hear the song playing as I daydream in the park :)
    Your blog is getting very popular with my friends, it's currently all over facebook just a BTW, absolutely love reading it

  40. Interesting post, all started with observations....This made me think of Leopold Weiss who became Muhammad Asad. One day, while sitting in a train, he noticed a man deeply drown down into his business stuff, and a lady “showing off her yellow smile”.... He remembered this scene at some point of his life later on when he, by chance, read a verse from Quran (meaning translated): The mutual rivalry (for piling up of worldly things) diverts you, until you visit the graves (i.e. till you die)....
    He then embraced Islam, and what came next is a very exciting story to read in his book (The road to Mecca), he wrote several other books as well.
    I wonder why we (most of native Muslims) do not make objective observations, comments...decisions... and produce rather than consume others’ cultures; for sure we will be questioned about all this one day.
    This reminds me of another passage from the Bible as well: Behind the bars of the same prison, one sees the mud, the other a vast horizon.
    The difference is in the observer’s eye and his/her objectives as well maybe… someone else, sitting next to Leopold Weiss, would have made comments such as: I love her smile, I hate his shoes…
    Yakhi 7ala rana fiha yakhi.


  41. Salim I don't quite see what your point is, you seem Tp have taken it to another level, if I understand the metaphorical connotations; am in a prison looking out and instead of seeing mud I see the horizon and you mention "we" Muslims copy and not produce cultures! Is it not in the human culture then to long to be in a couple or have someone to love! Is that reserved for some cultures and not others? Unless you didn't undestand the point of this post :)

  42. @bleu :yeah intense is right. intense is good. i think music should cover the range of emotional landscapes that people go through on a day to day basis so music can be sweet, intense, mellow, ugly, dark, light, angry, sexy, aggressive, uplifting, sensual, depressing, loud, quiet, anything goes really.

    @Jazz Noob: i like how this turned into a post about your fav music style. be at 1 with your inner jazz; embrace it. besides, you know what they say, yin & yang is like jizz and jazz.

  43. love this post DZ-chick
    a song for you:

  44. You're right Dz-chick, I didn't understand your post, don't think so :) though it is in the human nature to love and be loved.
    Good luck,

  45. Merci Cosette pour la chonson!
    Salim; r u sure?? Ok well thanks anyway

  46. DZ-Chick, je croyais que t'as trouvé ton prince charmant?!!
    Anyway, quand tu seras en couple, sans te rendre compte, tu vas faire comme eux!! tu verras ;)

  47. I did but it didn't work out! I did have a boyfriend before you know :) so i know I don't display affection in public it's just not my style :)

  48. "Hmmmmm I wonder where am going wrong?"

    Are you going into dating with your priorities wrong, concerned more about this independence thing rather than what really matters, a loving and respectful guy. Too many nice modern muslim women go into relationships trying to prove a point that they are independent and they will not be ruled over. The relationship stands no chance. These women may have had there mr right but they were too blind to see his worth. Blue said there is nothing wrong with us independent women, perhaps she's wrong.

  49. Surely a little you feel comfortable with? Holding hands on a Sunday morning stroll? A fond gaze? :-)

  50. niiiice one, but honestly girl, you want love ? then stop looking for it so desperatly !! let it knock on your door when you least expected !

  51. @anonymous: i know i know a lot of men say this about us that we re akwats trying to affirm our ibdependance blabla...i am what i am, its in my makeup to be this way am not trying to act all ibdependant and strong and on the side waiting for daddy or some sugar daddy to provide fir me! Women are diffrent Arab, Muslim,Western or whatever they are, and i can tell you for sure the rigjt guy has not yet showed up and i didnt mess it up with my bull shit simply because i know that when am in front of him, all my bull shit will calm down :)
    I hope i make sense!

    @formosa: hand holding is absolutely allowed :)

    @Anonym: i am not looking for it, i am waiting for it there is a difference and the wait is far from bring desperate :) thank you very much

  52. Ok... handholding being permitted is cool. I assume unabashed fond gazes, although a bit saccharine, are also ok?

    How about these other public displays of affection? A tick or an x will suffice:
    1 single arm embrace (Like the type you give when you're holding a suitcase and about to get on a train.)
    2 double arm embrace (hands on partner's shoulders, you might do this with an aunt or an uncle)
    3 double arm embrace with hands on buttocks (don't do this with an aunt or uncle)
    4 embrace with single lifted leg curl ( best done with the optional stiletto heels)
    5 embrace with double lifted leg curl ( please note, this is illegal in most countries. Best done with relatively muscular partner if you've been scoffing the ice cream too much)
    6 air kisses ( although these look silly if you're not actually greeting someone, e.g. lying on grass in park with partner)
    7 forehead kissing (back to the aunts and uncles)
    8 French kissing (the non-fuss, quiet version)
    9 French kissing (visible tongues... if this isn't illegal, it should be, just for good taste reasons)
    10 Hair-touching (affectionate but quietly done)
    11 Hair-touching (oneself)
    12 Wearing matching clothes (if you say ok to this, I will stop following your blog)

  53. Lol formosa see below ...
    1 single arm embrace (Like the type you give when you're holding a suitcase and about to get on a train.) x
    2 double arm embrace (hands on partner's shoulders, you might do this with an aunt or an uncle) x
    3 double arm embrace with hands on buttocks (don't do this with an aunt or uncle) - am saying no to tjis but it might be hard for him to resist mine!
    4 embrace with single lifted leg curl ( best done with the optional stiletto heels)- no in public
    5 embrace with double lifted leg curl ( please note, this is
    illegal in most countries. Best done with relatively muscular
    partner if you've been scoffing the ice cream too much) - never in public but x nontheless ;)

  54. Part 2
    6 air kisses ( although these look silly if you're not actually greeting someone, e.g. lying on grass in park with partner) - not cool
    7 forehead kissing (back to the aunts and uncles) - x
    8 French kissing (the non-fuss, quiet version) - not in public
    9 French kissing (visible tongues... if this isn't illegal, it should be, just for good taste reasons) - only when on prozak
    10 Hair-touching (affectionate but quietly done) - x
    11 Hair-touching (oneself) - ok but only if hands are clean or if ur korean
    12 Wearing matching clothes (if you say ok to this, I will stop following your blog)- NO but there will be coordination when going out, he will hardly notice lol

  55. All excellent! I think based on those answers it is clear that you are pretty much issue free, well-balanced, sensible yet fun to be with.

    Apart from item 12.
    I'm afraid that even imagining 'coordination' is a very dangerous step. It is a slippery slope - one day you will decide on a medium-grey jumper because you know he'll be wearing a black one, then soon after it will be T-shirts that have one half the message each of a Kahlil Gibran poem or a double pair of 'Hello Kitty' socks. Clothing coordination strikes at the very core of independence (or ibdependence if you prefer :-) .

  56. btw... intriguing answer for number 3 Public Display of Affection. I like the confidence. :-)

  57. Formosa: You're right about that :)

    For the coordination was thinking more on the casual vs smart not wearing a t-shirt that says "whatever he says" etc

    Idbependance is the way forward ;)

  58. Great blog. Was just feeling that way myself and unable to come out of my dazed loneliness. Strength in the numbers may not help, but knowing that other people understand you because they have or are feeling the same way makes it more bearable!!

  59. Thanks Anonymous, it's always nice to see we arent the only ones out there and dont you worry it's not just you me...

    Epic song re current topic:)

  61. hello
    just need to share something with you,(i am the second Anonymous who made a comment on your post).
    Last week i was reading your past posts and i was really touched by the one about the differences between "blédards" and "algériens de France".
    SInce i am une "algérienne de France" it was really hard for me to learn all that you guys think about people like me.

    anyway friday night i was in a bar with some friends of mine (algériens de france) and we spent the evening with a group of 4 guys arriving from algiers with the goal to work in Paris.
    One of them started a conversation with me, the first subject i talked about was the difference between him and me. He wanted to know why I thought that I was better than him, even before I started to develop...
    I answered him , that I thought that he had a better life than me because he was born and grew up in Algeria wich is something that i wish i could have known, and i said a lot of good things that i learned thanx to your posts...

    the day after on of my friend send me a message saying : the guy you talked with last night thinks that your a clever and interesting girl , he wants to see you again if you don't have a boyfriend...

    i wanted to dedicate you this victory against loneliness, because as a big sister you adviced me and it works , maybe i will have some questions in the future, and i ll find the answer in this blog!

  62. Hi Anonymous: I am glad you liked the post and did not get offended by it, it's good to hear that my blog was usefull to you :)

    Good luck with the new man

  63. I thought I'd add a Korean perspective on Public Displays of Affection.
    Interesting article from a western English teacher at a Korean secondary school.

  64. Hey i just saw this formosa! apologies
    Will read and revert

  65. Poetic DZ-Chick...........
    'Me sleeping on the warm and moist grass at a stalking distance, my lips pursed tight on a flat line, my gaze burning into their backs through my sunglasses, I feel my toes digging into the ground, ouch my toes hurt, is it a pang of jealousy I feel I wonder'. It started so beautifully and then Miss Cynical kicked in, I just love it!!!!

    I have just been made aware that I do actually speak fluently Arabic and this phenomena happened over the course of a marche!

    DZ-Banksy, what's the point to have a cake if you are not going to eat it? It took me a while to understand that it meant 'avoir le beurre et l'argent du beurre', why not just say 'eat the cake & still have it' insteads of 'have the cake and eat it' which is chronologically sensical!

    As for the 'we', it is just sickening, we should remain individual in a relationship. If I ever say 'we' I am referring to me and my ego, normalllll!

    Grazie mille DZ-ragazza.


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