Friday 2 May 2014

Where is evolution when you need it?

I know I have been absent for a while, i thought it's been a while since I ranted about something, I have been too happy lately with the Bouteflika being president again and all, I just couldn't bring myself to bare my usual cynical self, but desperate times etc...just read it you'll have a better idea of what I (and I am pretty sure a number of women out there) are so ticked off about, it all goes back to the basics.

Apparently an average woman gets her period 500 times in her lifetime! Why?? Why!!!! A torture resulting in a staggering number of cramps, headaches, werewolf transformation followed by devouring of all life and chocolates within one mile radius, a colossal number of tampons, paracetamol, chocolates consumed and 0 babies produced.

To think that of all things in your life, your period is the only consistent thing, is tragic, unless you add weight gain…that’s usually another consistency!

Since the day you became a woman, imagine that! At the age of 12 if not earlier (when you start blossoming and rotting at the same time). The worst is when you get it in the middle of the night and you don’t know what’s happening, you make so much noise in the bathroom trying to work it out or hide it, you end up being discovered by your father. Nice!

Bad enough you’ve been trying to hide the little peanuts you had for breasts through endless PE classes and summer dresses, bad enough you were the first one to have it in all your year and so the only one to fast Ramadan when all your girlfriends ate right in front of you.
Then you put up with the cramps, the excruciating cramps and the vomiting (you vomit more when you're younger before you developed that extra-terresterial threshold to pain) and the endless bleeding and the logistics that go with, you don’t know quite how to deal with it, what to use, garlic concoctions and parsley tea and what nots! Mothers (back then) weren’t exactly forthcoming with info and tampons as you all know, are for sluts!
Now, you’re older (yes you are) and you’ve had your share of periods and cramps, just when you think it’s getting easy, you realise it doesn’t. Ever. Get. Easy...

Because your period has a will of its own, it comes at the most inconvenient of times (expect during Ramadan where you have to beg it to come, then it lasts 2 mins) with cramps so bad even elephant tranquiliser won’t help. On your birthday, valentine’s day, on a date or when you have a looming holiday that requires you to be period free like say a diving holiday, you might take the pill (continuously) to make it stop and you’re all smug about it, only to hit you on the day you least expect it and of course with no painkillers or tampons because you were too smug to pack them in the first place! Then after 3 days of horrid bleeding and a mixture of head, breast and stomach pain mixed with nausea, anger, frustration, unexplained horniness and unbelievable cravings, it STOPS. You start waving the flag of victory otherwise known as the lace thong, then, just then; your ovaries are like “haha just kidding with ya”, so you continue to suffer, Japanese flags for bed sheets, white jeans are out for many reasons since the 1980s but mostly it’s related to that big stain you had all day on your butt and no one told you about. You don't know what to wear anymore, social dilemmas and general discomfort usually accompany the all-encompassing ordeal.

You find yourself asking the male cashier for tampons and those super hard-core extra strength period tablets, the ones you saw on that TV ad where they wish you to have a “Happy period” yeah I’ll do that right after I cure cancer bitch!

Swimming is out of order unless you want to re-enact a scene from Jaws. You will no doubt have you period on the hottest day of the whole world of this whole century, coupled with some menstrual hot flushes, so naturally you can’t swim, you'll just sit there feeling BURGH and smelling of gunpowder.

Already can’t button up your trousers you’re so bloated, so you continue the eating frenzy, you devour your entire fridge, you empty the freezer and the local shop whilst watching “come dine with me” like it was porn.
Sex is out of the agenda (for some not all), which is a shame; because as we all know sex solves all problems including periods. And to top it all off, you have to go through all of this in massive granny knickers a la Bridget Jones and a couple of zits on your forehead for good measure.

Then comes man; and his two hanging glands his whole female clan covets with reverence like the world’s balance hung on them, a pair of externally hanging glands that are so fragile you wonder how important our lives are if they really depended on them, nobody covets your ovaries!! You hear him screech from getting hit in the balls and how much it HURTS, well try having a vagina that bleeds painfully every 28 days for the next 43 years then to talk to us about pain.

Of course when you say that, you’ll get the ever infuriating response: “are you on your period or something?”, “aww is it PMS?”, “you’re very emotional at the moment, is it those bad hormones again?” ...There! We taught them about two things called hormones and PMS and now they’re using them against us. They didn’t even know the word hormone before we started yakking about it to them in the operation covert "Emancipation of the Ape" . Because when you’re trying to teach them about it and say things like “oh darling, I think my pms is playing with my head today”, he’ll say something like “I reckon that started a couple of days ago Dear”!!

Ok it’s true, you might turn into a witch (not without reason), you even have the massive zits to go with, your hormones take over and they envelope you in a fog of sensitivity, pain and agitation you can’t think straight and you become the embodiment of La bitch (ok maybe just me)! I reckon Eve was on PMS when Adam had to just pick that apple to make get her off his back, or Marie-Antoinette, had she not been such a royal bitch, I reckon there wouldn’t have been a revolution and what about Helen, had she had paracetamol there would have been no Trojan war! And if it wasn’t for PMS I wouldn’t have been talking shit to you for the last hour (I am talking to the slow readers here).

Ironically the only thing that can healthily rid you of your period and its undesirable sister: the PMS; is pregnancy! Well ummmm ya! Point is Evolution should have kicked in and sorted this mess out.

Dz-chick….I’ll trade you one period for one kick in the balls!
PS:  I often fear that PMS is just a myth and this is actually just my personality! scary thought.


  1. Hahahahahah thank you! Good to have you back Dz-chick

  2. Hahahaha, yes I think it’s your personality he he x

  3. All of these are description of facts... and your point is?

  4. Haha thanks! it's true...I did feel like and....? but that was it I am fraid, the above is a PMS rant

    CQFD ;)

  5. Say it like it is Dzchick! lol

  6. "I’ll trade you one period for one kick in the balls!"
    Last time I was harshly kicked in the balls I was 17.. During a football game by a massive leather ball shot by a tough guy from Chlef.. I was lying in the sand, whining like a baby, feeling electrical discharges all over my body.. you really feel the pain growing from the balls, flowing through your veins, distorting your nerves, spasms all over your muscles.. It was so intense I perfectly remember it till now.. I thought I'd never be able to produce sperm again like some idiotic friend told me once (I checked it was ok three hours later).. So believe me ! you don't know what you're talking about.. I had some bad testicles crashes since then, but never that intense ! I don't know if the trade is made with those little words, but yours made me happy to be a man ;)

  7. WELCOME BACK chick!!!! As funny as ever, still cynical et en pleine forme....j'adore! Hysterectomy of course is another option to rid yourself of dysmenorrhea! 500 opportunities to procreate is an indication that there is a trick somewhere, it's called teenagers, take a rain check 500 times over, it's less painful and involves less sacrifices than raising kids!!!!
    Really glad the month of May has brought you back. Keep writing, you're ace!

    Another bloody anonymous

  8. Oh by the way you tagged 'gender equality' on this post....did you mean gender inequality?! Let's take it back to basics ;-)

  9. Welcome back Dz-Chick! You cracked me up with this one!
    So true... I think women should come with options like cars you know : with or without periods according to the needs, mileage and intended usage... :)
    Love ya!

  10. It's science time, sorry can't resist :

    Basically, Evolution only filters those attributes that make you die before you can reproduce and transmit to the new generation the carrying genetic material !

  11. Homo Etectus that does sound painful, I always wanted to know what it's like to be kicked in the nuts, I assumed (and I am sure rightly) that it was like that mild period pain we get on the second day! Your description baffles me! I want to know more ...
    Hahahaha so you made sure you were still producing!!
    Though you don't seem to believe me! I think more women need to speak up about their periods and stop thinking of it as a taboo! Men shove their balls in our faces every occasion they get and we're still hiding our tampax!

    AnotherBloodyAnonynous yep I is back ...if I am pissed off I can produce a post! You know what it's like prople only share their bad news never their good shit!

    YouKnowWho a good analogy, a bit on the Mysoginestic side but I'll accept because I am soo pssed it! How about men like handbags? With or without extra pockets, large or small, for life of for the weekend ha!! How would you like that? ....yeah ok stupid question! You'd love it :P

    Brendaizer ah the scientist who defends evolution lol
    Yeah so what you're saying is that we (women) are screwed ...unliterally!

  12. Yeah till now ! I make sure I still produce from time to time.. It's not that I'm unsure about it, it's just that it feels so good when I check it.. Kinda weird isn't it ??

  13. Homo Erectus I am sure it does lol Bssahtek
    Weird? No next blog is going to be about that! ;)

  14. Lol no I don't know what it's like chick maybe it's cultural, la peur du mauvais oeil etc.. You've not been pissed off in 5 months?! You either surround yourself with very nice people or you are a very chilled person. Don't lose your mojo chica!

    Another bloody anonymous

  15. A blog about maturbation?! Now that's really controversial ;-) I look forward to reading it!

  16. Cool ! I'm waiting for the forthcumming blog then....

  17. AnotherBloodyAnonymous Not really! it has nothing do with the eveil eye etc...I found it's more of a human nature across the world...
    Hardly think I will write something about wanking....perhaps more about wanders ;)

    Homo Erectus haha naughty! love it

  18. So not about wankers but about wanders *-* or wonders?! Either way it should be very interesting!

  19. Lol got ya! I always wondered whether women could qualify as wankers too?!

  20. Sure they can! You wank, therefore you're a wanker :p

  21. Very philosophical on such a handy matter chica. Enjoy the sunshine and spare this bloody wanker a thought ;-)

  22. Welcome back chick! we missed you!

    Luckily, I have never had painful periods (Touch wood). However, once you try labor pain, which thankfully does not happen often, you will thank god for period pain. I sympathize with you and with other women in the same boat.

  23. Thanks Loundja I heard that period pain gets better after child birth and always thought it must be another myth like the perfect man etc...



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