Saturday, 27 April 2013

A bad case of the Dates!

Soooo I thought I’d stay faithful to the blog title and write about ….guess what?

Oh yes…this year? As ever I remain single.

Last year I had a disastrous couple of dates with somebody who turned out to be married, early this year I had ONE long ass date with somebody who apparently never grew balls and didn’t know why he turned out to be an utter asshole, so I have decided to go on a strike until conditions improve.

Comes another misguided attempt at setting me up this year; the guy called, he was so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear a couple of times, but he kept getting louder, I had to check the sound setting on my phone!

As well as being loud, he was also obnoxious, the type of guy I would definitely slap at some point during the date and pretend there was a fly on his face because I am sure he’s the type who’d hit back.

He alluded and not very subtly to the masses of disposable cash he has access to, he enquired if I had ever been to Ibiza because everyone knows that’s the ultimate reference in terms of travel, he asked how many languages I spoke on top of the obvious Arabic, French and English, evidently when you’re Algerian you need to speak a fourth language to impress as three is just the norm. How dull!

Hang on, there’s someone at the door, will go see who it is, but I am coming back to finish this rant. Hmm I could see a lady who looks like a Jehovah’s whiteness…”I am already on the path of the righteous and Jesus rocks, your work here is done” I look again, the lady shakes her head and heads to the my next-door neighbour.

Back to the Schizo dude;
He took a great deal of effort to shout something at the waiter in bad Italian, trying to impress me, so to answer his question I said: well I do speak Italian fluently :) yes yes I smiled, I am sure he could feel my smile. This was beginning to be fun...

He also said his name was something then left a voicemail with a different name! Alarm bells stopped ringing, there was no point, I was only continuing with this charade for my own amusement.

He insisted, he just wanted to see what I looked like (shallow anyone?), then insisted I travelled all the way across London to meet him for a drink, but it’s ok, because I could bring a friend if I wanted to!!!
When I suggested we meet half way, he got louder if that was at all possible and cancelled on me. How could I suggest to a Chelsea man to venture out of his manor! Anything beyond Knightsbridge was considered a foreign land. Oh this is getting more fun…

It’s always fun to listen to the assumptions and pre-judgments people make about you before even meeting you, based on my being home at 10pm on a weeknight, apparently I am no fun, he said and I quote “home on a Thursday night? You’re an old woman! Man”, he then told me off for being a bore because I was asleep when he called me at half past midnight one Sunday night.

Then I really had to ask, “How young are you exactly” and he proudly announced he was 50. So I rest my case and hang up the phone.

That’s when I thought, ah what a girl has got to put up with in the name of blogging.

But you all know dating has become a new national sport after Football and Cricket, all of which can be action packed though a little dubious about cricket which can be a dangerous sport, yes yes you can die of boredom.

Dating however, is most definitely action packed, well the last time I remember anyway, you never really know who you’re going out with, looks, profiles and pseudos can be very misleading unless you’ve been introduced by a friend of a family member, be assured you will have a few surprises, not to say that your family and friend’s introductions are without concern.

I had to do some research with friends who are actively dating and reporting their horror stories.

Kate in the 70s

Kate met a guy ironically on Anti-valentines day*; she met Mark, he texted the next day and asked her out – happy days!
Kate and Mark went out on a date, she wore her lovely red dress and she looked stunning, he came in a pair of trouser she couldn’t make out if they were flares or bell bottoms, she looked around to check she was not in an 70s theme bar, sadly she was not.
Mark bought her the first drink and they clunked glasses, so far so good, then as his pint glass touches her delicate diet coke he looks her in the eyes and says: Chin Chin Moverfucker” jaws drop – silence – excuse me? So then he says “you’re supposed to say Chin moverfucker chin”

She bares and grins and wishes she could have her time back.

Monique and the neon lights!

Monique is on all dating sites known to men, including Alien lovers and, she gets snapped up quickly because her profile picture is from her 20s and she wasn’t jowly then. He wore a sleeveless t-shirt, had a smile that showed way too much of his gums and had about three chins. He took her to a ghastly bar in Leicester square where it smelt of cheap cologne and old carpets, she excused herself to use the ladies, on the way down she saw the shiny EXIT sign…it was warm, yellow, glowing and inviting….so she buggered off.

Nicola and the Urinals:

Nicola vouched it would be her last date, it had to work, she couldn’t go through the whole thing again, the butterflies, the hair, the preparation, the outfit, the waiting, the anxiety, she vouched to make it work whatever happens even if he wasn’t into her, she’s gonna make him – God help him.

He must have forgotten to brush his teeth, she could see bit of broccoli, mental note! Not kissing this one, unless he manages to swallow the broccoli with his pint!

Nicola goes to the ladies, the toilet sign was too hard to decipher and she ended up in the gents, faced with a man at the urinal, she gasped, he turned around and chirpily says “alriiight?” she apologised and ran off to the ladies room giggling like a teenager, when it was his turn she advised him the Gents was on the right hand side, he came back saying “you either don’t know right from left like every other women I know or you’ve done it on purpose, I just got chased out by a bunch of angry pussy posse” RIGHT she says and storms out of the door, on the way out she screams: “Oh and you can’t finish my beer, I spat in it”

Nobody is normal anymore. They’re all crazy.

The strike continues…in the meantime; feel free to share your horror dating stories…

* a day celebrated by people not in love or pretending to be, basically


  1. Had to be the first to say: ha ha bloody ha
    This is brilliant! I would love to share some Darin horrors with you Dz-Chick but I need to go on a date first! Just like you I have been striking!

  2. I love the title Lool

  3. When i look back in my life, too many dating stories across all continents. Some of them made me laugh, others got me very upset and the rest were very romantic and on the top of it "unfaithfulness" (being honest wallahi). DZ-Chick, this is what life is about, it is a learning experience. All the dots of your graph mean an experience, a point in time, learn from it to simulate any dating experience in the future...:)

    Have a nice day

    "A" from DownUnder

  4. Hahahaha
    Oukht Dzchick! 3la kouli hal, you have xplozitini bdahk...

    Lakin, 3la l3oumoum, you are too demanding. The guy, for example, has an argument, he speaks italian and wants you to know it... where is the problem?

    When I was at the lycée, a friend of mine have been to china for a judo competition. He saw "la muraille de Chine" weshbik! It became his main argument to convince girls that he is interesting. We used to make fun of this. When we see him ybal3at une fille, we ask : "Farid! wsalt la muraille de chine wella mazal?"

  5. Keep striking! love and all the stuff that's just soooo overrated. Dating "Protocols" became too complex and there's no more place for random and surprise, so why should we bother?!! by the way italian speakers are evil, you should have asked I would have told ya!I wanna learn italian though, you know as an Algerian, three words of french and two words english is not impressive enough, interested in giving lessons?

  6. Bestine it's useless to even try to date anyone really! When the results are always the same, you need to stop at some point! Let other people do it and report back horror stories!

    Badra Sid Sounds like you've been around a while :)
    I refuse to go on any more dates! I can experience life through other means and beleive me I am busy enough
    So tell us about one of your bad dates! :D

    ChatNoir Hahaha you cracked me up! La muraille de Chine!
    Listen I am not being too demanding at all, the guy is an idiot and he CAN'T speak Italian or even proper English for that matter and comes to lecture me about what it is cool and what's not!

    El Hadra Blesh I never know if it's El Eswed or el Harrag I am talking to!
    You are quite right there though, dating has become too predicatible, after about a week of preparation and anticipation (I don't do that anymore) you go out, it's usually not very fun, kinda like an interview with drinks, you like him, he'll never call, you don't like him, he's all over you!
    It's become dull!
    Italian speakers are evil? Who are you calling faschite??

  7. sista there's just not enough single algerians for you in the UK to have a decent selection, if you're still keen on an Algerian you will have to spread your wings into French speaking countries and Algeria but then again they won't have the british sense of humour and you'll die of "french/arabic" boredom :) "3agouna aunt" malekolondon

  8. I very much enjoy the DZ humour hence my choice of Algerian men, but I think I can live without them now!
    Rodney walla Omar!

  9. Nice Post DZC, here is my tip:
    Never arrange a date after you meet someone in Club.
    I did, and she turned out to be a MILF. Everyone in restaurant kept staring. Luckily white wine was on the menu and soon everything felt normal!

  10. Hey ATO it's nice to see my old readers still around you and Maleko and even Dawood (lurking in the background as usual) ;)
    I am hoping this an old story you just told us! We don't go clubbing at our age, in fact I hate clubbing!

    Once I had a coffee date with someone, we had coffee and cheesecake, he finished his and started in mine whilst talking with his mouth full, pieces of cheesecake were flying all over the place and I kid you not, one of them fell straight into my coffee. I was heaving at that point and he's lucky I haven't mastered projectile vomiting! I got do pissed off but kept my cool for 5 more minutes, then made my excuses and got out of there!
    Yuk yuk yuk

  11. Hahaha! I joined Where's My Date back in the noughties. Men always overestimate their attractiveness. One date described himself as dark haired but forgot to mention he no longer had hair on his head, eyebrows only; or perhaps not but I didn't hang around long enough to find out after he told me that "all you women are after one thing, and one thing only, a man's money" and "the trouble with you women is that you only want to screw men over" and "I hate bitter divorcees". He was a divorcee. I got so drunk I couldn't remember my cab ride home (though not so drunk that I made sure I took it alone) and was a bit surprised to find a message from him the next morning "Lovely to meet you. I think that all went rather well. Do you want to meet up next week?". Hahaha! Dating really is a waste of time.

  12. Awesome. You should send this in to the actual A Bad Case of the Dates!

    Best regards,

  13. Hahaha that's pretty good! I love it when they think it went "rather well" and ask you out again lol so deluded it's hillarious.

    I once had a (another) date with this guy and he thought it was totally appropriate to take at least 4 calls in the first half hour without as much as a hint of applogy or care! And I swear he told me off when I picked my phone to check my texts! Weirdo

    Jared I cannot believe there's a whole site dedicated to bad dates loool and it has the same title! Evidently there IS no original thought anymore! I will send them my link actually, thanks for that :)

  14. And there's more: Tim, described himself as close to his family, lovely lovely guy, three successful dates in, getting to maybe take this one step further stage. Sends me pictures of the latest on his flat refurb. There's a skirt over the arm of a chair in his bedroom. Me: The flat refurb looks great, I like what you've done with the kitchen and the roof terrace will be lovely once you've got some green stuff up there but who does the skirt in the bedroom belong to? Him: It's my mum's. Me: So you gave your room up for your mum, how very gallant of you. Him: No, she sleeps with me when she comes to visit. Me: ......... !!! ....... Dating really is a waste of time.

  15. your post is great DZC, maybe we can list some tips to recognize instantly how a guy can be trusted only on the way he behave during a date...
    I had a date with this guy once, that I have friend requested on Facebook 2 years ago, we exchanged few messages: he was "charmant", Algerian, Handsome, around 40, arrived in Paris and quickly became a successfull architect.
    I send him my phone number and suggested him to have a drink.
    While I was waiting at the metro station, a white haired guy arrived totally different from the profile picture taken 12 years ago :( , he was talking only about himself during the first hour and about his job - very boring and then he started to criticize Algerian society and algerian girls which are only obsessed with one thing "le mariage", and finally criticizing France which is a bad country that he want to quit asap.
    Unexpectedly he offered me to go to dinner at a moment when we were sharing about our common points nicely, I accepted and it was boring, he made some efforts to have a real conversation during the dinner, I have to admitt, but it was totally covered by the first part of the date when he focused on criticizing everything.
    I should call this date "2 years and half after the Facebook friend resquest" :/
    The Girl with no name

  16. He sleeps with his mummy ahhh bless! Mummys boys are freaky but they do make for HILLARIOUS blogs!
    I once had a date with this guy who said no woman could ever measure up to his mother! Seriousely? Do you think that's what we're trying to do by dating you? It really is a waste of time this dating malarke!

    anonymous you see that all the time but we now wiser up to it, 99% of people put their best pictures forward on their profile for obvious reasons, because they don't look like that! And if the best picture is only passable then I don't want to meet them on a bad day or after ...say ...10 years! You need to do your due diligence girly! ;)
    They're all freaks and have webbed fingers, it's true, notice how their rings never sit properly on their fingers?
    I rest my case ...until next time!

  17. "this guy said no woman could ever measure up to his mother!" Riiiiight! So that was not a date, that was a job interview for position of "you'll never be good enough but I might let you try" [dance for me little monkey, dance]. I love men, a lot of my closest friends are men; but, you know, the dating thing is tired. Women don't even need them to procreate anymore so, grow up men-looking-for-a-partner-in-life please. Just grow up. Dating is a total waste of time.

  18. It's always like a job interview with cocktails and usually either party has already made up their mind on the outcome of the date! There's no second chances, no such concept as "a grower"
    They're all looking for their mummies or their ex girlfriends, but I am cool with it now! I chilled ;)

  19. Stay chilled sister. "a grower" can't exist in the dating scene, but "a grower" very much can be there in real life. Get on with your life. If there's a man out there worthy of you he'll find you, you'll find each other. If there isn't then a quiet life of contemplation, travel and what YOU want to watch on the tellybox, listen to and eat isn't that bad an outcome of the bum end of a deal? Is it?

  20. That has been my new approach actually, lately I have been so busy find focused with so many important and diverse issues that a relationship/dating has been the last thing on my mind ...hence the strike and the meagre effort at meeting the specimen described above.

    We should all focus and work on ourselves first before bringing all our dramas and traumas into someone else's life and expect them to accept it or fix it. Who has the time really!

  21. @DZ-Chick, the last paragraph of your last comment is one of the most meaningful statements, if not the most, you have ever made on your blog in regards to being single.
    Great illustration!

  22. We live and learn Miss Polemique we live and leaaarn!
    Thanks though

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  25. What's the deal polimico here deleting comments? Or is that you Chica?
    How are you miss DzC? Great blog

    Let me tell a little about this girl I dated; she has massive hands and a kind of bulge in her neck (otherwise known as Adams apple), nothing beyond the first date as I quickly became aware she was a duuuude!

    So there you have! It's bad all around ...

  26. Hey SimSim Nah not me, I don't delete comments unless they reveal my name! Miss Polemique has made it a habit of hers to post and delete.

    Soo you dated a lady boy huh? :) excellent. did you get to kiss her before you felt the aahummmmm Adam's apple?

  27. People who never fail to mention the colossal amounts of money they Have/earn , no matter how your bored face is trying hard to deliver a message to them !
    It's extremely hard to find a dating material boy out there , that I'm extremely worried about the "husband" material ones !!
    sinon j'adore ce post ^^

  28. I am a 32 year old Syrian Lebanese living in London too. I would like to meet you for one night fun only. You must be the only Algerian girl I haven't met yet!

    1. I'm sure your sister does the same!

    2. @ syrian lebanese living in london, I'm sure your sister does the same, or maybe compete with her!

  29. Yasmine There are no men out there! Too much oestrogen in the water! They're all either growing man boobs or god forbid losing their sense of dirction or even worse a sense of compassion! Urgh the waste!
    I couldn't care less now! I'll get a dog and call it a day!

    Syrian Lebanese is that a competitive sport or a hobby of yours?
    And thanks for the invite, but no thanks

  30. The Beykar says:
    I have to say both the blog and comments made me laugh out loud. Great that people are being so philosophical about things. In fact, I reckon that after a while, mishaps become great anecdotes. Well sometimes they turn into funny anecdotes whilst the date is ongoing, in which case, I would recommend against laughing to yourself. Not a good look. It says 'I regularly fail drug tests at work and I didn't pass the police psychology test when I applied', and my favourite film is 'Psycho'.
    But I think mostly it's nerves that make us act in a way that makes us shout inside 'WTF was thaaaat? you are NOT an astronaut! Not even an astrologist! and no, you no longer give two hoots about stars since you quit your job at McDonald's!!!' like thinking you're funny when you accidentally headbutt your date whilst greeting her with a kiss (shit happens) and instead of apologising you open up with 'I just thought I'd check your stance on conjugal violence'. Uncool! Also please note that, when standing in court for harassment, a defense plea of 'I thought I'd use up my 100mins & 500 text limit while I was at it' or even worse 'I know I left variously threatening, imploring, random voicemails, but I swear I was butt-dialling' does NOT cut it with the judge!
    That said, it is usually obvious after the first 10 minutes if things are going well or that you're likely to get the ALL important emergency call to inform you that your house is on fire (it is well known that first dates are the biggest cause of domestic fires. FACT! google it!) or that, you happened to glance at the moonlit sky from your restaurant table (conveniently placed near the door 'cos you asked for it!) and saw that the commissioner flashed the sign (a la Batman on in your case it's a big L) and that you need to save the city from [insert name of super-villain here]. You then proceed to leave without your jacket/keys/phone -essmah a sidi! just let me the f... out!- and when your date yells at you that you've forgotten them, you shout back whilst running down the street (avoiding cars like a stuntman in a James Bond flick), and without a backward glance that she could keep them because 'like Ghandi, you don't believe in material things', but also adding that 'we should do this again since I haven't had this much fun this side of a funeral!'.
    Jokes aside (well the Batman part is true! the rest I made up.. ), dating is like London buses and all that... so mind how you cross the road...

  31. Syrian Lebanese

    My offer still on the table but this time it will cost you more. We arabs all know that algerian women are fun girls. I have a number of friends in london from lebanon, syria, jordan, palestine and egypt and even sudan and they have all confirmed that they have slept with number of algerian girls in london and they have all filmed it too and I have seen a number of their movies. We all know what kind of women you and the morocans are.

  32. Syrian boy. Go play elsewhere, I think you've got bigger problems. I coudl easily tell you tales about Gulf emirs buying your mothers and sisters but I won't. Now piss off. Your country is being raped and you're here trying to insult people who stood up for you. but then again nothing surprises me from Arabs.


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