Double Trouble!

What being single looks like to me

As a kid, like all the girls my age, I used to excitedly calculate how old I would be in the year 2000, that big year that represented the future, I used to daydream about what I would become, of course I was already aware of my potential and the fact that by the year 2000 I would probably be happily married with someone amazing, it  was simply a matter of time and that was only part of the dream. After all that’s what grownups seem to do, they get great jobs and get married.

Today in a grey day of the year 2015, I realise that not all grownups have to follow the norm, so like many out there, I too remain single, the years came and gone, love came and left my life and somehow I remain steadfastly certain that I would one day be reunited with that promised special person who gets me and doesn’t annoy me and if I wasn’t going to meet this rare person who doesn’t annoy me well then I will be OK and life will still have meaning and challenges! Of that; I am certain and have understood it very early on.

But it seems society hasn’t made its peace with it and doesn’t recognise my choice as valid or acceptable, to them I am a desperate damsel, a relationship reject or a potential home wrecker. I am often looked at with puzzlement, some friends pity my continuous single status otherwise referred to as “predicament” and constantly try setting me up with single men (that’s it, that’s the criteria), others secretly envy it (being single) whilst others have simply stopped inviting me to their parties because it proved difficult trying to box that single girl who turns up to kids parties with no kids and a bottle of booze! Especially when that said girl answers questions like “Where’s your little one?” with “I thought BYOB stood for bring your own booze not bring your own baby” .

But for the most part people seem to be outraged that I remain single yet don’t seem to suffer the consequences of it, I want to tell them to wait a few more years but there’s no fun in that!!

They want to see you suffer the dire consequences of your terrible ill-advised choice and suffer the harsh reality of being over 30 and single, after all that’s the only way they could justify their mistakes choices.

So instead of letting the married friends include me into their circles as a third or fifth wheel, I created my own circle, and believe me, the pass mark to get in is very high! Just recently I had to make it a bit higher based on the comments of some angry bitter unhappily married “friend” who asked if I ever did get marriage proposals, to which I said yes sure, last year I had 3 (poor sods).

“Three!!!” he said, “Isn’t that a too much??”

“Too much for whom exactly??” I said…

So he said “anyway, they’re just messing with you, you ARE over thirty remember!!”

POW! Double shamed, single-age-shamed with one sentence.

And this is the crux of the problem, people don’t seem to want to accept, or simply fathom, even in the 21st century, that a single woman might be quite happy not conforming to societal norms; that she might simply not want to be in a relationship or have a husband.

Singletons are not anomalies or glitches in the matrix of your sedated married minds; they are people with choices who simply took those choices. The End.

Dz-chick…happily single.

He controls me, he controls me not

They control the world, politics (by starting wars and talking bullshit), they control the economy (mostly by starting wars), public opinions (again by talking bullshit) and they even control what we wear, if you think about it, the biggest and most influential designer names are men YSL, D&G, MJ etc…that’s right ladies, MEN.

The saying “behind every great man, a greater woman” was only said to avoid feminists blowing hot and burning more bras. Let’s face it chicas, men are in control and we are merely hanging on, fighting our way through, trying to mark our way up to that famous glass ceiling remember?

Why do you think feminism came to exist? And just one more rhetorical question for you, mostly to avoid any protesting comments, why do you think there is no such thing as a Manism* movement?  

In terms of relationships and romance, again I am afraid men tend to be in control, as much as you hear boys saying how it is always up to the woman, the last word is always hers, for a drink, dinner, sex, a date or marriage, she has the final say.

Don’t be fooled ladies, we all know most men get badgered into proposing to their girlfriends when they can’t take any more hinting or shoving towards the jewellery shop then she'd go and rave about how it was so impromptu and how she had no idea it was going to happen…gush gush bloody gush. 

BUT…If he decided not to pop the question or ask you out for that drink or dinner, what can you do? Take the step? And if you had the guts to do it, what if he said “euu sorry I am kind of busy” and thought “slut”, do you think you are that thick skinned you can take rejection the same way men do? I think NOT.

So past the first drink/date, in most cases, who do you think is really in charge? Apart from the very few cases, men usually hold the dice and are in control of when and what happens next. 

Women are martyred at the hands of these fastidious players, players who become such because we allowed to be, because weak and desperate women allow them to be in charge of their emotions, decisions and of their lives.

Women who are so desperate to land a man, they’ll do practically anything, lower themselves to the gutter to have a date, change everything they could about themselves and their lives if they had to. If he likes blondes, she is blonde and if he prefers brunettes, she’ll turn brunette so fast he won’t have time to say “I am a prick”, she’ll lose weight, starts to like “The Simpsons”, supports Arsenal and Top Gear becomes her favourite TV show.

But what does this man do for you? He doesn’t go on a diet because you’re fat, he doesn’t change his style (life or otherwise) to please you, and he doesn’t pretend to be someone else or speak in a softer voice when around you. 

Men are graced with that natural rough beauty where unshaven and unwashed is actually considered stylish, like the new Shoreditch style you can spot in and around east London with all the twat features walking around in their vintage old jumpers and dirty hair, calling it shabby chic, how about shitty chic?.

Other women who remain single after a certain age, but do not come to a resolution with their single status, become so resentful of it in fact, they become bitter and the worst thing is…they don’t even know it. They just give off this bad vibe that drives away men and repels friends.  Another kind of single ladies out there, have their criteria all wrong, they like a man because he’s nice to them. They don’t realise HE IS supposed to be nice to them.  These intelligent women with the MBA brains and abundant talent and wit, can be emotionally retarded, are reduced to liking a guy because? He is nice to them. It’s upsetting. 

Love and Respect in your relationship is not an upgrade ladies, it’s a basic requirement. However, I understand that women became conditioned to receiving the not-so-nice treatment they had endured, experienced, and come to expect, which in itself is engendered through the psychotic, needy and stalking behaviours of these very women. 

If you look around, your MBA brain will reel backwards at the number of beautiful, successful and outstanding women who behave like total desperadoes, chasing, stalking and begging not-so-special men who of course treat them with total disregard, disrespect and utter piss-take. 

Ladies (you know who you are), as ever I don’t hold the answers, but what am I if I cannot point out a few of your blunders, here are 11 pointers for you…

1 - At the restaurant, order what you like not what he “thinks” you should have. If he suggests you have salad, then he thinks you’re fat.

2 - Don’t be so dull and agreeable. Have an opinion and express it, avoiding to use fuck or bugger. 

3 - Smile, laugh, glow, don’t show your depressive side so quickly, let him bite the hook first, and then you can go crazy on his ass.

4 - Don’t compete with him. Men are pathetic creatures who are scared of competition especially from women. Don’t talk about your latest exploits and mountain climbing and solo travels, this will emasculate him. It’s too easy to do.

5 - Be elusive, keep some mystery (and your knickers) about you, don’t tell him everything including when you washed you hair or waxed your beaver.

6 - Don’t encourage the sex conversation, he’s going to want it, if you yield, you are a whore, if you don’t you’re a tease.

7 - Do not mention age, marriage, children, nieces, nephews, family or a friend’s wedding, don’t tell him about your imposed time-line and how many kids you dream of having.

8 - Act confident but not overly so; do not fish for compliments and constant reassurances that he’s having a great time and for God’s sake, don’t ask him if he’s bored.

9 - Don’t over text, call or email, don’t leave a 5 mins voicemail and if he doesn’t call, don’t call his mate or his work. Because we all know that when men attempt bold gestures it's considered romantic, when you do it, it's considered desperate if not psycho.

10 - I always say just relax and be yourself but that obviously only applies if you’re a normal cool chick, if you are aware of your stalking capabilities, it is advisable not to be yourself.

11 - Don’t tell him how cool your name sounded with his surname, because you know you’re tried it, you’ve scribbled it on your notepad and said it aloud to see what it sounded like. 

The list goes on, but I can’t be bothered to finish it, you’ll have to content yourself with the 11 “words” of Dz-Chick wisdom, cast in the fiery chasms of her mind.

But know this, with all the advice you can get, all the power, beauty, intellect and strength you can muster, men remain in charge not because they are stronger, more powerful or more intelligent but simply because women allow them to be, they (women) yield to their demands and control because most women are hardwired to depend on men for support and protection for them and their children and men are hardwired to do all they can to make sure that any children born to them are actually theirs.
It is that basic, evolutionary and it is all about their manhood. 

To put it simply; men will always attempt to control women and women will almost always submit to that control. So yes it is up to him to text, call you back, ask you to marry him, perhaps the only thing a woman is in charge of is putting out or to put it more graciously; consenting to sex, even if this control can be taken away from her when a man decides to claim back control.

Men may be in charge of this world, successful, powerful and hold the dice but like someone once said “women may never be as powerful as men because they have no wives to advise them”

Dz-Chick…fan of odd numbers and broad topics!

NB: due to the broadness of the topic, a second parter will follow as soon as I can be bothered.
-------------------------------

*what? It’s a word.

Beaver painting by Shardcore 

Hen(na) nights!

The women mill around dressed in their best, donned with enough gold to destabilise the world economy and enough silk to set the house on fire, tunes from Naima Dziriya blaring from an old CD player in the corner, it is loud, so very loud. The women screech louder to be heard, all smiles and laughter and admiration for eachothers attires and jewellery.

It’s Wednesday, the night of the Henna, a few days before the wedding, all the women gather around at the bride’s house, the Algerian version of the Hen night.

The bride walks in one of the many dresses she purchased for the wedding, her hair so intricately styled it looks untouchable, make up looks slightly less extravagant to the naked eye but on close inspection looks about 10 mms deep, you can actually smell it.

The bride walks in escorted by two young girls holding two long twisted candles, the women ululate incessantly; she sits on a throne of red velvet cushions embroided with golden threads.

An elderly relative dressed in a serwal Chelka (traditional trousers-skirt I guess) and a silk scarf around her hair is mixing a bowl of henna, she adds an egg, some rose water and sings a Henna lullaby to commemorate the ritual, a dollop of the mixture is put in the middle of the right palm and spread in a small circle, then a silk mitt is used to cover the hand. More ululations explode in the air, a feel of bliss and romance fills the ether and the bride’s mother sheds a tear, traditionally because her daughter is leaving the family home, but everybody knows it’s the lullaby, so damn sentimental.

After the bride, it’s the bride’s younger sister to have henna applied to her hand and then every other single girl present, all hoping to follow suit and get married before her one day.

Mint tea is served accompanied with one of the hundreds of almond cake variety there is and everybody is on a sugar high. Music gets louder, everybody starts showing off their best dance moves they learnt in the belly dance classes they’ve been taking or copied from the latest Assala* music video.

The aftermath; no hangovers, just a load of makeup to remove, physical damage is minimal if you don’t count the ear drum perforation and the odd injury sustained through the customary evil eye.

Afterthought: 

Would have been good to get a bit drunk!

A night wasted of my life I’ll never get back!

I am super jealous happy! 

Meanwhile, in London, about half a dozen girls go out to town to celebrate Sally’s hen party, the hen posse are dressed in coordinated dresses, with legs that start here (around my breasts) , and array of perfumes, fake tans and make up to cause a sense-seizure, they’re loud, so very loud.

As they enter the restaurant gaggling, in their coordinated pink sashes “brides maids” and the bride’s L plate, veil and flashing tiara, all the punters stare and think “oh no…it’s about to get loud in here”.

Dinner and drinks are served; and out comes the penis shaped straws and an a giant inflatable one that sits next to the bride whilst all the girls pose for pictures with the centre piece, loud and incessant laughter fills the place, within 2 hours, everybody is sufficiently drunk and collectively the girls hold enough alcohol to set the house on fire. The mother of the bride leaves after dinner and the girls loose their inhibitions – yes only now! 

To the relief of the punters and waiters, dinner is finished and the girls move on to the next venue, a night club, their tacky limousine awaits and they all get in without showing too much cleavage or knickers. The pink posse enter the bar, the lonely boys at the bar rejoice at the prospect of an easy pull with blondie no. 2 or 5 whichever…

They dance around the club grinding against every single guy available, as if the pink sash is their license to behave like total tarts with no judgment passed; they’re just here for their friends’ hen party after all! Give me one of those sashes I tell ya!!

A few gallons of novelty cocktails and questionable shots later (drunk through the penis shaped straws naturally)…TROUBLE! A few scenarios go like this: 

One passes out in the club toilet and has to be rescued by the “mother” hen, this might be the bride’s actual mother but we already decided she sensibly and thankfully (who wants to go clubbing with their mother anyway) left straight after dinner, so she’ll probably be rescued by the toilet attendant who’ll most probably charge her the costmary £1 because she had to use a splash of her perfume to wake her up.

One or two might go home with someone and wake up somewhere dubious, but mostly the girls will stumble out drunk onto the street to hail a cab, the limousine company probably refused to hire out for afters for obvious reasons…cab drivers won’t want to take them because they’re too drunk and disorderly and don’t want to risk the puke in their cabs. 

The aftermath, the group is dispersed, major hangovers, headaches, losses occurred include handbag, oyster card, jewellery, phone and with any luck the flashing tiara.

After thought: 

Should have gone to a spa and traditional English tea like normal people.

Had a brill time!

How much did it actually cost?

Oh my head hurts!

Having experienced both celebrations (the latter only from afar), not passing any judgment, only commenting on the cultural differences of the celebration.

Hoping to experience an amalgamation of this celebratory event between the Algerian and the British traditions. 

Our Diaspora here will perhaps create a halfway style of this cultural phenomenon that is fun, fabulous and classy, keeping the best of both worlds. No bingo games allowed.

Dz-chick…sending hints to her soon-to-be-bride pal! I am not wearing pink velour!

----------------

* Lebanese singer

Algerian vs. Algerian

A few Algerian congregations I partook in recently led me to notice a pattern I felt compelled to explore and write about, I even received a few requests to write on the subject but I fear I cannot pretend to offer any solutions only the findings of my very modest research and personal opinion …Here goes!

The Algerian men who have lived abroad for long periods of time exceeding seven years, and particularly those who immigrated early on, in their late teens or early twenties, it seems find it hard to look at Algerian girls any other way than their sisters…

Samir says: “I don’t know, I guess I just seem them all as my sisters”, whilst Rayan declares “I would feel guilty if I was to go out with an Algerian girl and then it didn’t work out, or if there was anything physical than I feel I used her”

When questioned, if they’d felt guilt or this feeling of fraternity towards females of other nationalities i.e. English or Moroccan, answers were as predicted;

They seem to regard European girls as more able to accept that a relationship may or may not work, it is part of the culture and way of life, being and Arab or a Muslim however does not always affect the decision, “a girl is a girl” one of them said, "but the fact that she is Algerian changes things, it brings it close to home, I think of my sister and if someone would do anything to her".

Another one said “I would feel bad if I had to leave an Algerian girl after dating her, because if she’s heart broken and alone abroad, I am not supposed to be the one to break her heart….”, Kamel who is 40 says “I would consider an Algerian girl but only for marriage or a serious relationship not for a casual thing”, Ali says “If we don’t marry our own girls, who’s going to marry them”.

To cite only a few, and so far; a mixed set of opinions here, leading me to believe that these men grow to love and respect their female counterpart and revere them like sisters and mothers, they haven’t been able to make the jump over to the more romantic or sexual side of their feelings for these women who are somewhat baffled...see next

When Algerian girls living abroad (mostly in London) were questioned on the topic, reactions were divided between “I would rather be with an Algerian guy, only he would understand me”, ”I wouldn’t mind being with an Algerian, but other nationalities are also considered, namely from the Middle East and Europe” another one was indignant as to what these Algerian men are doing dating and marrying non-Algerians, when there is a huge number of single Algerian girls available and looking.

Another NON-Algerian girl said the following: “I haven’t met any Algerian guys or girls who are not single, you guys are all single” quite the statement coming from an objective outsider.

My research on the subject is not extensive and mainly targeted Algerian professionals between the ages of 28 - 40 who are living in London over the last few years since London has been identified as the common denominator for the imposed singeldom Londoners have been suffering.

Arguably, Algerian men who grew up in Algeria up to a certain age, that is to say over 22, have had some kind of dating experience with Algerian girls (back in Algeria) and have managed to cross the line from fraternal love and respect to opposite sex attraction and romantic feelings; the former seem to be able to look at fellow Algerian girls as suitable life, sexual or dating partners and girlfriends, whereas the consensus dictates that the Algerian young men who left Algeria very early on, having encountered only their mothers, sisters and cousins in their lives post-Algeria, tend to view all Algerian ladies as such (family) and thus are not naturally attracted to Algerian women and will not look to them for romantic relationships, however, some would consider forming serious relationships akin or leading to marriage with them as they (Algerian men) would see their mothers or sisters who represent the prime example of a life partner, in these candidates.

Algerian women living abroad, on the other hand, regardless of their living situation or length of life abroad, would seemingly consider Algerian men as suitable candidates for a serious and non- serious relationship.

One of the people questioned on the topic suggested an answer for this “these women look for their fathers in other Algerian men and prefer them to be authoritarian, old fashioned perhaps, even jealous”, but one cannot slap ones research candidates so I lets move on, the same slapable individual mentioned the following “these girls date European boys for ages, snob us for years, then upon reaching their 30s they want a nice Algerian man to marry”.

Perhaps the case is that Algerian girls who moved away from home at an early age, found a very small Algerian community (in the UK), had to date and marry men form other nationalities, the ones who remain single now look to Algerian men but are met with “ah now you want an Algerian man”, the judgmental stance some of these men have towards the Algerian girls is to respond to their own feelings of rejection by these very same girls.

Certainly what springs into mind is that Algerians grew apart here in London and the UK, with advancing careers, financial stability, has their mind set shifted so much that they can no longer recognise each other as potential life partners? 

And with advancing in life, do they feel their choice needs to advance accordingly?  Implying that opting for an Algerian partner will set them back a step? 

Perhaps it's worth mentioning that none of the people who participated in this modest "research" have any issues with Algerians of both gender dating or marrying other nationalities, they're merely wondering what the non-taken ones are thinking!

One more thought, when these men meet Algerian girls out there, before realising they're Algerian, they could easily be attracted to them, would they change their minds when they realise they're Algerian and feel guilty of being attracted to their so called "sisters"? 

This is certainly a new dilemma of mine and of every single and sometimes married Algerian out there, and as you have guessed, I offer no solutions, only more questions…jolly good!

Dz-chick….enough said this time around!

-----------

Names have been changed for anonymity reasons.

A similar post albeit from a different angle here  - from Dz-Chick